American movies are almost always about either one renegade cop and one by-the-book cop becoming partners or a girl goes out with the wrong dude when the right dude was there all along. Japanese movies take one look at that kind of crap and add school girls with guns for hands and demons that shoot lasers out of their bathroom parts. Case in point: these crazy movies:
Hausu (House)
The director took all the crazy things his 11 year old daughter said and turned them into a movie where six kids have to kill a demon house cat and a piano. How many James Bond villains do you remember that were either a house cat or a piano?
Shyness Machine Girl
What comes out of people's asses in American movies? Answer: nothing. Even if it had been something, I bet that something wouldn't have been a GATLING GUN.
Big Man Japan
A giant out of work guy in underwear versus whatever the hell that is. Big Man Japan takes the concept of a villain to battle and says, "Well, we could do a giant lizard, a giant robot, an evil genius with a giant brain, nah let's all think of the ugliest thing we can possibly think of, and whoever thinks of the ugliest thing, we'll have that be the bad guy."
Mutant Girl Squad
Not to be outdone by Machine Girl, what's with Japan and weapons bursting out of asses? This is why I stopped getting sushi, every time I did I'd wake up in the middle of the night and crap out a pickaxe and some bullets.
Survive Style +5
A dude keeps killing his wife over and over again and finding her alive when he comes home. A guy gets hypnotized to think he's a bird and keeps trying to fly. I can't wait for the kevin James remake.
Legendary Panty Mask
An old western town is populated entirely by cute young Catholic schoolgirls and shotgun toting nuns who have killed off the entire male population, the nuns teach their female students that all men are evil. The girls are championed by a superhero named “Panty Mask” who shows up wearing a leather bikini and a pair of leather girls’ underwear on her face. Look for most of these plot points to be stolen and implemented by the upcoming reboot of Spider Man.
Ichi The Killer
Imagine "Friends With Benefits" if you replaced everything silly and heartwarming with every single kind of murder that hasn't been invented yet. I would call this more of a "3rd date" movie than a "1st date movie."
What are some crazy things that happen in Japanese movies that you wish would happen in more American movies? Let us know in the comments!
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