More than anything high school prepares us to take high school tests. But to really prepare us for life, schools should be teaching kids the following important lessons.
1. How to Choose A Career
High school teaches you the academic skills you’ll need in life but it doesn’t tell you what you’ll be doing in life. Which is a shame because the answer is obvious—you’re going into marketing. Everybody goes into marketing. Even people who claim to implant artificial hearts or extract live landmines are in fact presently sitting in a conference room named after a letter or compass point, trying to determine if they can promote something as a fruit juice even though technically it’s not a liquid. That’s because anybody can go into marketing, minus babies, the dead and certain types of waterfowl. It’s the job opportunity God Himself bequeathed us when he looked down at mankind and realized it took us four centuries to create fire in something other than our cupped hands. So start thinking about witty ad slogans now.
2. How To Effectively Criticize Someone
School rightfully teaches us to support and encourage others. On the other hand, few can deny that criticism is often crucial in helping others achieve their best. Just remember to discuss behavior, not personality. Don’t tell someone they “lack the brains God gave a potato.” Simply tell them that in a similar situation a potato—or for that matter any tuber—would almost certainly have thought twice before proceeding. Also make sure to soften your critique in the form of a compliment, such as “Nice car you’ve got there. Pity something should happen to it if you were to screw up again.” And never criticize someone in front of others. Instead, “happen” upon them late one night in the office restroom when no one else is around. Keep your voice steady, your demeanor professional and your punches to areas that don’t readily show bruises.
3. How To Exact Revenge
Education is about getting ahead, not getting even. Alas, life has a way of blurring the line between the two and so sooner or later you may need to go on the attack, personally and/or professional. Now granted, many people would counter that tactic by saying ultimate success and lasting happiness comes from leading a principled life, not by engaging in impulsive reprisals. People like Benjamin Franklin and Voltaire. People whose own deaths prove they could not survive in the harsh 21st Century. Let’s face it, ethics are like poetry. They’re nice on paper but they serve no purpose in the real world. Unless, of course, you’re an English professor. Or an Ethics Professor. Or you simply want to be able to look at your reflection in the bathroom mirror each morning without spitting toothpaste at your image.
4. How To Ask For A Raise
Eventually there will come a time in your career when you’re quite happy with your performance and your supervisor is quite pleased with your contributions and service to the company. And that time could last a few days, a few weeks or a few years, until your supervisor is still singing your praises and you’re left wondering why if you’re doing such a great job you’re still cashing your weekly check at a corner falafel stand (unless you actually want a falafel, in which case you simply sign over your pay). So it’s crucial to know how to actually ask for a raise. Simply focus on your professional value to the firm, stating, “Last year I brought in 12 new clients and made this company $10 million.” If that fails to persuade your boss, then draw parallels with coworkers of equal stature but greater pay, like “Last year I brought in 12 new clients and made this company $10 million but Jenkins did your wife.”
5. How To Toot Your Own Horn
Many people shy away from the spotlight. People who tend not to get promoted. People who if they just made the effort to be recognized for their accomplishments would not currently be celebrating their 25th year in a bar band, not for the creative outlet but because complimentary drink tickets beat going yet another day without liquids. That’s why it’s important you take every opportunity to let your others know just how brilliant you’d like to be perceived. Whenever anyone makes a great suggestion at a meeting scream, “You stole my idea!” Whenever anyone receives applause shout, “You stole my thunder!” And whenever anyone saves your life from a burning home or exploding car state, “You couldn’t have done it without me.”
6. How To Tell If You’re A Supervillain
Education is about discovering the world. But life is often about self-discovery. And eventually that comes to deciding if you are a “good guy” or a “bad guy.” Of course, that can be resolved with just a few simple questions. What would you say is your greatest strength, your ease with others or your death ray? What do you do in times of stress, regroup and refocus or eliminate France? Where do you see yourself in five years, wiser and better prepared for the tasks ahead or cackling with evil delight on a throne of diamonds and gold while the world kneels before you? The more you are willing to really look deep within yourself the sooner you’ll know if underground lairs, tractor beams and health benefits for henchmen are in your future.
7. How To Remain Positive
Despite the occasional obstacle, bad luck or unexpected wrong turn, life is actually a pretty good deal. But sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that. So to remain positive make sure to greet the day with a smile. Greet strangers with a smile. Greet lunch and various inanimate objects with a smile. Smile when you’re on the bus. Smile when you’re in surgery. Smile when you’re being charged with six counts of grand larceny. Just keep emanating good vibes no matter what happens and one day some person is going to say, “Will someone give this grinning lunatic a dollar so he can leave us the hell alone?!” Then you’ll be in a good mood and up a whole buck.
What are some things you wish they'd teach in high school? Let us know in the comments!
Check Out How Life Would Be Different (If Grade School Was Actually important)!
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