Let's be clear- most people at parties are the worst people at parties. How often do you find someone who is as conversational and accepting and just goddamn HUGGABLE as you? But here are some special cases- the worst of the worst in terms of horrific people who come to parties. PRAY you never encounter them.
1. Texting While He Talks To You Guy
It's just kind of rude, is all. But hold on a tick- maybe this guy is so unsure of himself in conversation that he needs something to have in case the conversation fails. Then he's right back to texting, and everyone thinks he's still popular! New plan for Texting While He talks To You Guy: Gently stroke his face and tell him that you accept him. No matter what. Then make soothing ocean sounds for him.
2. Knows One Thing About A Thing Guy
Granted, if you were talking to a guy who knew about an interesting thing, like Charlize Theron movies in which she is naked, Knows One Thing About A Thing Guy can be pretty great. But it's never that- he always knows about things that seem interesting but are in fact the worst things in the world to discuss, like home security systems or Apple computers.
3. Quoting Lines From TV And Movies When He's Trying To Be Funny Guy
Listen, it makes me feel bad to say so, but if you do this, you aren't funny. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. (Doctor Who)
4. Way Way Way Older Than Everyone Else And No One's Sure Who Invited Him Guy
Older people only come to younger parties if they need some validation. Expect the most uncomfortable conversation you've ever had. "No, your leather jacket looks pretty cool... It's not that your hair looks silly parted down the middle, it's just that... Do you really need to lean so close?... No, no, no one here thinks you're weird... You are definitely leaning too close now, sir... Oh, I'm sure your ex-wife will come around... Okay, see, now your arm is literally touching the spot where my neck meets my collar bone. There are a lot of other walls to lean against, sir." Your only hope is that his full grown, adult son will come pick him up.
5. Guy Who's Studying To Be A Lawyer Guy
You never know you're talking to Guy Who's Studying To Be A Lawyer Guy until you are knee-deep in a moral argument with Guy Who's Studying To Be A Lawyer Guy. When he springs on you legal precedents that nullify your argument about why it's probably okay to steal bread for your starving family, not only do you feel bad for yourself, being wrong, but for him, being soulless.
6. Acoustic Guitar Guy
This is the cheapest ploy to pull every inch of attention to yourself. I suspect girls aren't even attracted to this anymore. And if they are, hey, do you ladies know Closing Time? Nice G cord, Acoustic Guitar Guy. Oh, you threw a little minor 7 in there? OH YEAH, I'M REALLY IMPRESSED. (The sad part is I am actually really impressed.)
7. REALLY Sold On His Life's Path Guy
This guy JUST got a promotion at the local Sales Emporium (tm) and really wants to know how he can network with you. Expect him to explain in full detail why his ability to sell you low-cost, energy-efficient light-bulbs really will be a help to your profession even though you just work part-time at a 7-11. You will be handed his card at the beginning of the conversation and, for some reason, also at the end.
8. Worried About His Life's Path Guy
This is the guy who's worried that now, in his last year of college, he really thinks he should've pursued his dream of painting. The worst part about getting into a conversation with Worried About His Life's Path Guy is that YOU will be brought down with him when you tell him the truth, that no human being has ever made a living off painting. Ultimately, his choice, while dream-crushing, was the right one. Oh man. That's upsetting. If you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go eat some vanilla bean ice cream and cry.
Who's the worst kind of guy you've ever run into at a party? Describe them! In the comments!
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