5nal Destination FINALLY (or (5nally) arrived this weekend! I have been waiting for this day since 2 Final 2 Destination you guys. The only problem I have with some of these horror movies are they don’t take advantage of the casting opportunity they have at hand. They cast all these hot, young, up-and-coming stars like Emma Bell who we don’t wanna see get killed off. Horror movies should be about watching washed up old stars run for their lives while you and buddies sit around asking, “Isn’t that the other guy from Heat?” So today I bring you, 8 washed -up actors who should have been cast in 5nal Destination.
8. Hayden Christensen
Before Robert Pattinson we had Hayden Christensen, a stale-faced, emotionless heartthrob who carried a crazy successful movie franchise. The mystery surrounding how Mr. Christensen fooled enough people into thinking he was an actor will never fully be understood. And the fact that he helped ruin Star Wars would make a lot of people wanna see him get chased around by death. There’s actually an old story that on set he apparently kept getting yelled at for making the “woosh, vooom” noises as he swung his light saber. But then again, who wouldn’t?
7. Chad Michael Murray
One Tree Hill is over and apparently so is his career. Relax girls, he’s just going to get older and fatter and nobody wants to watch that. He actually did get cast in a horror movie being finished right now but 5nal Destination would have been perfect. Tons of running, opportunities for shirtless antics, he could have had one last big screen hurrah before he goes the way of the buffalo.
6. Sam Neill
Dr. Alan Grant would rule in a horror movie! The man kicked a Velociraptor in the face! He would totally be great as that older, wiser, trope with inside knowledge of why everyone is dying. He could rush in at the end to save the day, have a witty one liner, it’d be brilliant! Something like, “Final Destination is a tautological redundancy…get it, bitch?” Then he kicks a raptor in face!
5. Claudia Schiffer
This former sex symbol would do great in a FD film. I’d totally buy her as the concerned mother of the cheerleader who has gone missing. The kids always find the trouble in these movies and it would be awesome to watch her chase after them. She could do what she does in every movie and just play herself. Call it a Zoolander homage.
4. Irene Ng From “The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo”
Didn’t see that one comin did ya? But former child stars make the best horror movie cast members. They bring an added sense of nostalgia to an already 11 year old franchise. Plus there could totally be a B story where she runs around trying to find out what happened to Pat Morita.
3. Mia Sara
I’m sorry I just wanna see her in every movie. Long gone are the days of “Bueler!”’s and float-based karaoke, but they are not forgotten. Having an 80's icon in ANY movie boosts sales, FACT! Just ask Bob Hoskins.
2. The Kids From The 3 Ninjas Movies
Rocky loves Emily…Rocky loves, Em-i-ly. These kids were HARD, and they could survive ANYTHING. Putting them in life or death situations versus machines guided by fate would be fantastic. And it could totally tie the two franchises together once and for all.
1. Jaleel White
This man is still killin it with the kids shows but I think it’s time we let his Neville-esque evolution from nerdy boy to handsome man finally pay off. We’d have to steer away from letting him die first, I mean it’s 2011 people, we have a black president. But Jaleel White would be a great way to round out an awesome cast and throw some real comedy and wow-factor in the mix. I mean come on, all this man ever wanted was Laura’s attention. What better way to get it than by beating death?
Who do you think should be cast in 5nal Destination? Feel free to shout at me on @danborrelli for obviously never actually seeing a Final Destination movie, or leave a comment below.
Comments
Post a Comment