A great man once said "If you want to be the man, you've got to beat the man". And here in America, the BEST AND STRONGEST NATION IN THE WORLD, there is no greater man than the President. So I got to thinkin', what would happen if I stepped in the ring with some past Presidents? Here's a list of 'em that I could for sure beat the tar out of. All of these hypothetical match-ups would be no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere, because unlike these former Commanders in Chief, I CAIN'T DEAL WITH NO CHECKS AND BALANCES.
Herbert Hoover
Being that he was the President during the Great Depression, Herbert Hoover presided over the worst economic downturn in our great nation's history. I hate him fer that. HATE HIM. Such anger would really motivate me to punch Herbert Hoover in the chest and send his heart shooting out his back.
William Howard Taft
Ain't no way this fatso can hang with the likes o' ME. Unless he did that thing like in cartoons where he saw me as a giant turkey leg. And even then, he'd just chase me in a circle makin' gargling noises until he got winded, at which point this turkey leg will POUND THE SENSE out of our most obese President.
Richard Nixon
Knowin' full well that Richard Nixon would break into my home to record all my conversations to listen to my pre-fight strategy, I would gain the psychological advantage by spending the weeks leading up to the match constantly screaming- SCREAMING- at the top of my lungs. We're talking like an open mouthed, eyes widened, fists-pumping-in-the-air kind of screaming. What Richard Nixon doesn't know is that screaming aloud to no one is simply how I spend my LEISURE TIME.
Grover Cleveland
I would give Grover Cleveland TWO NON-CONSECUTIVE BEATINGS.
Rutherford B. Hayes
I HATE RUTHERFORD B. HAYES. With that stupid beard and IDIOT face. F**K YOU RUTHERFORD B. HAYES.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
This man was a softie - providing all those poor people with the "New Deal". You need a heart of STEEL if you're going to beat me, Franklin Delano Roosevelt... Wait. Wait. After having done just a little bit o' research, I've discovered that Franklin Roosevelt was in a wheelchair. And now I feel BAD.
William Henry Harrison
Dying of pneumonia just 32 days after taking office shows you what a goddamn sally William Henry Harrison was.
Harry Truman
I'll admit, as someone who dropped a goddamn NUCLEAR BOMB on Japan, Harry Truman is a hard-hearted man. But I'm hard-hearted too. One time I saw a hurt baby bird and I just KEPT ON WALKIN'. And I spent less time cryin' about the terrible thing I done than I'm sure damn HARRY TRUMAN did (two hours).
Which US Presidents could you beat up? NOT MANY I SUSPECT. But feel free to make your case in the comments.
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