School isn’t so much about making friends as it is categorizing people. Yet some social categories are not on everyone’s radar, as the following unknown or underground cliques prove…
Supervillains
There are school bullies, and then there are school supervillains. But rather than threatening kids or physically assaulting classmates, supervillains believe they are above such common acts and instead spend their school days plotting. Often they can be seen drawing large circuitry diagrams and architectural blueprints in their composition notebooks that almost always include the words “laser-top,” “volcano” and “levitate Fort Knox.” They are usually seen with several “hench-friends” who for some reason all wear the same outfits and seem to follow orders blindly without any noticeable payment structure or promise of promotion. But most importantly the supervillains are defined by their all-consuming animosity towards a single nemesis who, this being high school, may have no idea the supervillain even exists and thus is completely unaware of how many plans have been written with his or her name next to the words “eject into the sun.”
Cat Fanciers
With the explosion of cat videos and photos on the Internets, a new breed of feline-obsessed students are appearing in schools, purposely misspelling the words “the,” “kitten” and “cheeseburger.” They can often be indemnified by their squeals of delight upon seeing something adorable and the way they speak in a high-pitched, child-like voice when asking how you are doing, if you want something to eat or if you are simply the furriest wittle bundle of furry goodness EVER. Most of their school projects involve footage of their cats doing something wacky, bringing their cats into class so you can see them do something wacky or dressing up as a cat and doing something that will result in immediate medication from the school nurse and a swift consultation with the school district’s child psychologist.
Pre-Retirees
Having aged psychologically and emotionally well beyond their years, the pre-retiree students are always bitter, frequently confused and often sleepy. Easily aggravated by—and openly terrified of—technology, the pre-retirees avoid such new fangled devices as laptops, iPhones and four-color ballpoint pens. They instead communicate by glowering at teenagers, muttering to themselves, yelling at the news anchor on the TV (or “RadioViewer”) or simply ignoring everybody as they cut in line for more pudding. (They also manage to have all three daily meals within the space of five hours and well before the end of the school day.) Quick to anger and slow to get out of chairs, the pre-retirees often congregate in the school men’s room, either because of their faulty bladders or just because they forgot where they were headed instead.
Zombie Goth
With vampires fading as a symbol of both erotic dread and romantic Mormonism, the high school goths are seeking new ways to appear as outsiders without having to go through all the moving gears, copper tubing and strap-on gramophone horns that make up steampunk clothes. The result is a new social scene in which students wear whatever clothes they would liked to be buried in, wander aimlessly around campus and or en masse towards an ill-timed noise and serve as a frightening symbol for whatever intangible, overwhelming fear is gripping modern society at the time. They also fail to participate in class outside of some arrhythmic moaning in glee club, can stare blankly at nothing for upwards of three weeks and have noticeable adverse reactions to head injuries.
Checkers Club
Possessing neither the daunting intellectual powers of the Chess Club nor the unchecked insanity of the would-be Quidditch Club, the Checkers Club students never win any science prizes, never get invited to quiz bowls and usually lose high school debate championships by saying, “But you guys make a really good point, too.” They avoid all crosswords puzzles except those in the local paper or on diner placemats, get rather animated when someone mentions “Tic-Tac-Toe” and pride themselves on being able to make their way through a corn maze within a farm’s standard operating hours. Overall, Checkers Club kids don’t want to flex their cerebral muscle so much as make sure they just don’t get bed sores, choosing to spend their afternoons lazily staring at a grid of red and black discs while absent-mindedly discussing the weather or why backgammon is just pushing things too far.
Geeks Who Don’t Like Comics, Movies, Computers or Sci-Fi
Every high school clique has a subgenre. The jocks can be separated by sport. The stoners can be separated into gangster, hippy or art teacher. And the geeks can be divided by whatever they are really passionate about, be it science, science fiction or fiction science (otherwise known as “faking your your lab report”). But then there’s that sub-sub-sub genre of geek who really isn’t into any of that. They don’t read comics, they don’t play video games, and they don’t argue incessantly over movies, books or which Doctor Who is the one and only true Doctor Who. They just wear dark-rimmed glasses, attend class, hang out with friends and go home. Now some of you may say these aren’t geeks at all but just normal kids. But the law of high school is that everyone MUST be swiftly, blindly, thoughtlessly lumped into some stereotypical clique and theses kids’ dark-rimmed glasses say “geek.” .
Pirates
Well, this was only a matter of time. Students who would have originally been labeled as standard alcoholics (except for the fact they only drink rum), typical criminals (except for the fact they only steal crown jewels) and swimmers (except for the fact that they bring a frigate into the high school pool) now fall into this one category. Curiously charming rather than menacing, refreshingly kooky as opposed to murderous and inexplicably handsome instead of what your average Englishman really looked like in the mid-18th century, this new pirate cliques is mostly around to remind us that some movie franchises, no matter how successful, should have wrapped up their run a long time ago.
What are some other lesser known cliques? Give us the scoop in the comments!
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