Things There Aren’t Apps For

Danny Licht

In part of my campaign against humanity and order, I thought it appropriate to start with defiling everyone’s favorite cult, Apple.To get right to the heart of the company, I’ll be listing all the potentially-useful, nonexistent iPhone/iPad apps I think they need to create, but haven't.

1. Shutting Up that Baby On The Plane

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When all you’re trying to do is watch that crappy movie that’s playing on that crappy screen that you can barely see, and a baby’s unending cries are disturbing your hearing of that crappy dialogue, don’t you wish there were an app to Shut Up That Baby™?

2. Finding Osama

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To the best of my knowledge, the special ops team didn’t use any apps in tracking Osama. That would be a great commercial, though: “Click, point, de-terrorize. The new iPhone 5.” Did I just reveal that new feature?

3. Playing Really Stupid Free Games

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Just kidding.

4. Keeping Your Grandmother Out Of Trouble

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You know how those old ladies get, when they congregate and get into all sorts of mischief, like mahjong and assassinations.

5. Blocking That Annoying Girl On Facebook

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Don't you just love this girl's inspirational quotes? “You have to learn to forget the people that forgot about you,” “Don't plead for a Second Chance…Do it right the First Time,” etc. It’s just horrible and it makes me want to vomit. There needs to be a Facebook filtering app.