Thanks to “The Planet of the Apes” movie series…and the reboot of the movie series…and the reboot of the reboot…we know how apes would take over earth and enslave mankind. But what we don’t know is how they would entertain themselves. Would they go to the movies to watch apes attack? Would they have their own “American Idol”? (Oh, please say they would.) And how would they spend time online? What would their version of the Internet be? Here are just a few possibilities.
1. No Cats
Since there are very few documented cases of apes owning pets—and leopards sometimes prey on gorillas—all cat photos, cat blogs, cat jokes and cat videos would be gone from the Internet, effectively removing 98% of all online content. In the cats’ place would be pictures of fruit, bugs and other edible items. And of course that viral YouTube video of Lou, the orangutan who sexually pleasured himself by rubbing vigorously against a tree for a good hour-and-a-half before realizing that there were 40 smartphone cameras focused on him.
2. Human Fail Blog
3. Kokoslist
Just like Craigslist, apes would use Kokoslist to find roommates. In this case, males who were just forced out of their home by their troop and are now looking for their own group to establish. Unfortunately, this would lead to several less-than-endearing online want ads such as “Need 12 females NOW!” Kokoslist would also be used for “missed connection” postings, allowing lovelorn apes to write “You were the hairy one shoving ants and termites into your mouth by that tree. The brown tree with the leaves. I was the one evacuating my bowels. Meet me tomorrow where I did that.”
4. Five-Character Tweets
Experts say that gorillas alone have up to 25 different vocalizations to communicate with one another. However, all of these would be spelled the same way online—“Grunt.” Hence it would be a world where every Twitter feed would be posting after very brief posting of nothing but “Grunt,” followed by a hashtag to add context (examples being #food, #sex and #lost). Of course, this brings up the question of how apes could write full sentences on Kokoslist but only grunt on Twitter. This can easily be answered by the fact that apes would Twitter while on the go, so they must be succinct. As for Kokoslist, apes would post want ads while they’re leisurely typing at a Starbucks, wondering when they hell they learned to like chai tea.
5. No P0rn
Apes aren’t exactly shy when it comes to engaging in sex out in the open. In broad daylight. Just as your car passes them in Six Flags Wild Safari. So since no one would be hiding any X-rated activity in real life, there would be no need for Internet p0rn. Instead, if an ape wanted to see other apes do it, he would just have to look to his left to watch his neighbors go at it. Or look to his right to see three apes trying something new. Or look straight ahead at good old Lou, still having the time of his life rubbing up against that now bark-free tree.
6. Nesting Photo Craze
Even apes would have their online photo crazes. But instead of something ridiculous like “planking” they’ll try to construct nests in the wackiest places possible. Alas, for apes “wackiest places” pretty much just means “various trees.” And so the Internet would be clogged with millions of pictures of a bunch of twigs clumped together in a bunch of branches, creating a visual catalog so boring it will effectively end photography as an art form. And since apes won’t be able to publish books after having killed all the human literary agents, won’t be able to paint because they never attended art class and won’t be able to make movies because they don’t belong to a union, this will leave singing as their only art form. “American Idol: Ape Edition” is born.
7. Google+ Will Still Be Unnecessary
What do you think the internet would be like if the planet was ruled by apes? Let us know in the comments!
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