You know how your mother always told you, “It takes all kinds to make this world”? Well, she was talking about ‘that guy’. You know, the guy you see obnoxiously hi-fiving his bros in a bar and drawing a ton of attention to himself? The guy you hope to never date, or sit next to on the bus? Yeah, that guy. But just like a pest or a bacteria that multiplies, there are various kinds of guys that comprise ‘That Guy’. Please observe, and take note.
Necklace Guy
You’re cozying up at your favorite cafe, a guy sits next to you and asks what book you’re reading, just as you’re about to respond you catch a glimpse at a faux silver dolphin pendant hanging from a hemp band. He just got back from a vacation and wanted to take back a keepsake to prove he’s been places, but instead it marks places he’ll never go. Like your lips.
Band T-shirt Guy
You’re hanging out with your best friend at a concert when a bro catches your eye across the hall. You’re about to exchange smiles when you notice he’s wearing the band T-shirt and getting a little too into head-banging and devil hands. Enough said.
Lonesome Karaoke Guy
You’re counting down the songs until your singing debut when a guy cozies up to the mic, the first few bars of, “Sometimes When we Touch” begins to play. Oh no, it’s going to be a looooong 4 minutes.
Bleached Bangs Guy
It’s the 21st century. You’re not in a boy band with Joey Fatone.
Gross Pet Names In Public Guy
You’re in line for the concession stand when a guy gets behind you on his phone and starts to go nuts on his girlfriend with obnoxiously “adorable” pet names. It’s like kryptonite to your possibly-attracted-to-him ears.
Nothing But Movie Quotes Guy
Hey! A cute tall and handsome dude! Who wants to talk to you! But 5 minutes into the conversation it has been nothing but quotes from every dude-centric movie he could possibly think of, literally no sincere words have been said in the moment. I’ll take it from here.
Loves To Sing Along But Never Knows The Words Guy
I call this, “Caveman Rock” it’s when you phonetically grunt into a mic somewhat in the tone or style of the actual song.
‘You Had To Be There’ Guy
Oh man! This must be a crazy good story because you can barely get two words out without cracking up hysterically? Oh, what? I had to be there? Never call me again.
Still In Love With Your Ex-Girlfriend, Guy
Oh, weird. My story about my favorite pet from my childhood reminded you of your most recent ex? That movie I’ve been dying to see made you think of her as well? Huh. Interesting. Maybe this immediate absence of calls from me will remind you of being dumped by her.
Trying To Bring Back Old Slang From The 90s Guy
No, I don’t believe that outfit I was wearing was, “the bomb’,” nor did I think that it was appropriate for you to deny me a hi-five and then shout, “Boo ya!” Just, please - drive me home.
What are some other types of guy nobody should be? Let us know in the comments!
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