Did you know that basically all history textbooks in the United States are essentially decided on, in terms of content, by the Texas school board? Have you ever been to Texas? Do you really think it's a good idea to have Texas deciding on what we know about our past? That's the state that thinks it's a good idea for a baby to carry a concealed firearm. So when you're learning history in school, take that into consideration.
North America Was Settled In 1620
The United States was actually settled around 30,000 years BC by the race that English settlers would later come to term "Indians." And the next time you think we're better than the "Indians" think about how they lived here for 30,000 years and somehow managed to never build a single Red Lobster.
The English Were Clean
The Native Americans were far cleaner than the European colonists who arrived on North American shores, which were not called North American back then. The Native Americans had soap and bathed regularly, whereas the filthy pilgrims were all dirty from dirty England and brought with them diseases that the natives didn't have because they actually had hygiene. And their hygiene ended up killing the hell out of them because they were susceptible to all the diseases carried by the filthy, filthy Europeans. Did you know that it was not uncommon in England in the 1600's to use a living rat for a scrub brush? That last part is not true.
Thomas Jefferson Spent His Time Not Having Sex With Slaves
Thomas Jefferson owned a crapload of slaves, over 500 in his lifetime. He made them do all his chores for him, even the dishes. And we all know how annoying it is to do someone else's dishes. Now think much more annoying it would be to do someone else's dishes while they whipped you for not doing them fast enough. But he didn't just own them, he also had sex with some of them. He had sex enough with a slave named Sally Hemmings that she had four children. And what did he do with his children that he had with her? He made them slaves. Thomas Jefferson made his own children slaves. On the plus side, he won "Best Smelling Wig Powder" at the Congressional National Convention six years running before his death in 1827.
Andrew Jackson And Ethnic Cleansing: Not About Washing Indians
Under the Jackson administration over 45,000 Indians were "relocated," which is a pleasant way of saying "forced to walk hundreds of miles away from the homes their ancestors had lived in for as long as they could remember." The relocation was through treaties and "forced relocation," which is as bad as it sounds. And contrary to popular belief, the Indians were not each given an ice cream cone with the flavor of their choice once they reached the new territories. In reality, while they were given ice cream, the ice cream was Andrew Jackson's favorite flavor, they did not get to choose. And what made it even worse is that Andrew Jackson's favorite ice cream flavor is "uncooked horse."
The Gulf Of Tonkin Didn't Happen, Sort Of
The Gulf Of Tonkin Incident, an incident that occured on August 4, 1964 in which the North Vietnamese supposedly attacked some U.S. Navy ships, which the then President Lyndon B. Johnson used to justify and give us cause to escalate the war in Vietnam... never actually happened. According to documents declassified in 2005 no attack actually took place. But the United States wanted to go war against North Vietnam, and they needed a reason, so they went ahead and invented one. Pretty crazy right? Has anything like this ever happened in your lifetime? It's too bad too, because North Vietnam is the only country in the world where cookies actually grow on trees. So if we hadn't invented fake reasons to go into war against a nation that wasn't even fighting us, we could all be eating cookies off of trees right now. Thanks a lot, the Government.
Tom Cruise Is Good Looking
History books are constantly indicating that Tom Cruise is and has always been attractive. But in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, it takes Tom over seven hours of make up and special effects to make him look the way he does each morning. The real way Tom Cruise looks is pictured below. Warning: The Surgeon General recommends that you do not look at Tom Cruise if you are pregnant, or nursing.
What are some other things your school tells you that aren't true? Let us know in the comments!
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