The Internet was outraged when news broke that George Lucas had made yet another series of changes to his “Star Wars” films for Blu-ray. These new alterations range from having the Ewoks blink to having Darth Vader continuously screaming “NOOOOOOO!” like a four-year-old being told it’s bedtime to having the planet Alderaan shooting first. But now having done all he can to destroy his own work, Lucas has set his sights on re-editing the following historical moments…
Dawn Of Man
Strongly believing that early man was far too hairy and prone to gleefully flinging excrement to properly attract an audience or be made into a lucrative toy line, Lucas replaces all hominids with the most cuddly, marketable creatures ever-penguins. And so evolution results in “Manguins” (human-penguin hybrids that have monogamous relationships but can’t operate heavy machinery because of their giant flippers) who become the dominant species on the planet. This results in the tragic building of high rises on ice floes as well as the villain in every movie being a killer whale.
Roman Empire
The Romans had conquered numerous civilizations. But clearly none of those societies could be described as “talking dragons.” And so in order to prevent people from being bored by one “human vs. human” battle after another, Lucas instead has wave after wave of fire-breathing, verbally abusive reptiles descend on the Roman legions from above. Then the dragons attack Ancient Egypt. Then Mars. This goes on for 28 years, two trilogies, 600 books, 30 comic book series, a cartoon show, one horrifying holiday special and a breakfast cereal.
American Revolution
For George Lucas, having the colonies rise up and defeat the British army with muskets simply wasn’t special enough. Which is why he makes the British form an alliance with the deadly psionic race “The FlooGoos” (a species that allows Lucas to create yet another wildly offensive ethnic stereotype, this one somehow insulting both Koreans and Swedes). Meanwhile, the Americans now have flintlock laser pistols and ride what appears to be a ram’s head grafted onto the body of a leopard. Plus, the redcoats launch a winter attack using wildly ineffective “Walking Submarines.” And George Washington is the son of King George the III. And there are lots of coal-powered droids because, well, who really cares at this point.
World War II
The Nazis are systematically melted by one gala “Lost Ark” opening after another. Then for some reason a bunch of teddy bears in loincloth celebrate with a treetop luau, fireworks and end credits.
First Moon Landing
Man could travel across space, plant a flag on the moon, and then return. Or man could travel across space, plant a flag on the moon, and then hear it scream. So it is in “Lucas History” when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin discover that the moon is actually a large, adorable creature called a “Snuggle Buggle” who must return to its original solar system so it can warn a princess planet about incoming asteroid bandits. Thus, with the help of fellow astronaut Michael Collins in the command module, Neil and Buzz help “Snug” leave the earth’s orbit, inadvertently darkening our skies, destroying our tidal patterns and ruining the whole point of Van Morrison’s song “Moondance.”
The Big Bang
Worried that the birth of the universe did not have enough awe-inspiring visual splendor, Lucas places countless more detonations prior to the initial expansion. He also adds a swelling orchestral score by John Williams and a chorus of approving “oohs” and ‘ahhs” culminating in thunderous applause and the newborn stars spelling out “Lucasfilm.” Unfortunately, all these changes cause the Milky Way to fail to form, negating not only the existence of Earth but also George Lucas, which in turn prevents him from changing the Big Bang at all and so allows everything to go back to normal.
What else can George Lucas ruin? Let us know in the comments!
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