How does Netflix get past all the damage their recent business announcements have done to their brand image and subscriber base? Why, by making even more, bigger announcements, such as the following…
Replace Mail Service With Store Chain
Tired of waiting a full day for your movie to arrive in the mail? Well, no more! Now you can simply get in your car and drive to one of your many local Netflix stores! There you will find every movie you could ever want that was made before 1999 thanks to Netflix buying millions of old videotapes dirt cheap from Blockbusters and Hollywood Video bankruptcy sales. Just think of it as streaming with your VCR!
Netflix Decides What You See Next
Over the years Netflix has developed a pretty good sense of what you like to watch, based entirely on who starred in the last film you saw, what genre it was in and what prepositions appeared in that movie’s title. That’s why subscribers will no longer have to deal with the hassle of searching, personal discovery or individual choice. Just sit back, turn on the TV and realize that Netflix is already an hour into streaming “Home Alone V: The Reckoning.” It’s just the company’s way of saying, “You’ve work hard, you’ve made enough decisions for one day and isn’t it nice that Macaulay Culkin is getting his first non-lab experiment paycheck in 16 years?”
“Once It’s Watched It’s Gone” Policy
Like to be the first on of your friends to see a new movie? How about the only one in the country to catch a new streaming film? With Netflix’s “Once It’s Watched It’s Gone” policy the exclusivity is all yours as our database erases the only single copy of a movie even as you view it. It’s the exact same technology George Lucas used on the last few copies of the 1977 version of “Star Wars,” which is why no one remembers Han Solo appeared in drag throughout the original movie and that Obi-Wan Kenobi actually chose to teach the Force to R2-D2 instead.
All Movie And TV Series Endings Removed
Who doesn’t like a little suspense in a movie? Netflix gives you all the mystery you could want by removing the final 30 minutes so you can decide who the serial killer was, who survived that plane crash or who won World War II in that military documentary. Then you can subscribe to Netflix’s sister site “Act Three,” where the movies’ finales are helpfully classified by such names as “Rosebud Was His Sled,” “The Woman in the Crying Game is Actually a Guy,” “Inception Doesn’t Bother To Tell You the Ending” and “Rocky Loses in the First One, Wins in the Second One, Loses Then Wins in the Third, Defeats the Soviet Union in the Fourth and Does Something in the Fifth and Sixth but Really Who Cares by That Point?”
Charge-Per-Minute Subscription Rate
Upset about paying twice for the even less service than you previously had? Now you can be in charge of how much you pay by how much you choose to watch. Whether it’s $30 for a half-hour sitcom, $120 for one of the six full-length movies currently streaming or a flat $2500 fee for watching the entire 22 seasons of “The Simpsons” without the hassle of ownership but with all the commercials, your costs are completely up to you. And if you act now, Netflix will even charge you for when you pause during a movie, giving you the freedom to decide if you want to pay $850 to see “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
Only Show Home Movies
Due to a few recent, bold business moves, Netflix no longer has any content partnerships with Disney, Sony, Fox, Universal, Warner Brothers, Universal or any other major and minor film and television studio that comes to mind. But that’s okay, because it allows Netflix to focus on its newfound purpose—streaming other people’s home movies! For only $85 a month you can now watch strangers go on vacations, open Christmas presents, wait patiently for the cat to do something funny or simply not realize that the camera is running while they argue about finances. Plus, Netflix has thoughtfully given each family their own unique website for you to log on to, giving you 23 million new website queues for you to enjoy the magic that is cinema.
What changes would you like to see Netflix make? Let me know in the comments!
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