People are always coming down on TV, saying it rots your brain, it makes you stupid and a bunch of other nonsense. But I beg to differ! In fact, I will go so far as to make this claim: I've learned things from watching South Park, important things, that I never learned in school. So in your face, stupid school! Here are some things that only South Park has the balls to teach us!
Super Attractive People Have No Character
So true! Think about it. Abraham Lincoln, so ugly that hipsters have taken up his look. Not only was he the great emancipator, dude could make a speech! Kim Kardashian...hot with a giant a**. Got peed on once. Case closed. If I had any character I would point out the fallacies in this lesson.
The Origin Of The Mormon Religion
I have to admit, I was a complete moron when it came to the story of Moroni and Joseph Smith (dum, dum, dum, dum, dum). But now I know it's just as unbelievable as any other religion (smart, smart, smart, smart, smart). I also learned that the insult 'Suck my balls!' is twice as funny coming out of a dorky Mormon kid's mouth.
A Dog's Penis Is Called A Red Rocket
I know, right? I took Biology twice and I never learned the scientific name for dog weiner. There's even a charming child's game called Playing Red Rocket, which is sort of similar to Pop Goes the Weasel--only with a way more traumatic ending.
Scientologists Believe REALLY Weird Things
If it wasn't for the ground-breaking episode Trapped In the Closet I probably never would've learned that Scientologists actually believe that an intergalactic ruler named Xenu is responsible for implanting us all with the disembodied souls of alien beings that existed 75 million years ago. Or that they believe Tom Cruise and John Travolta are straight. I also learned that they LOVE to sue, so I would like to put a disclaimer on this entry. Tom Cruise is NOT trapped in the closet, he is there completely of his own free will. Cue R. Kelly.
The Story Of Helen Keller
Believe it or not, I had never heard the inspiring story of Helen Keller before the South Park episode Helen Keller! The Musical. My class must have studied it when I was out with mono for a few months. Did you know she had a disabled turkey as a pet? Or that she could belt one out while doing choreographed moves in her wheelchair? If it wasn't for Helen Keller there would be no Artie on Glee. Thanks Helen!
The Softer Side Of Satan
Everyone knows about all the bad things Satan does, but perhaps it is still considered taboo to explore the man behind the myth? South Park taught me that underneath it all he's just a boy who wants to love and be loved. Satan has had to overcome the difficulties of ending an abusive relationship and now must try to find strength so that he can accept love into his life again. He's kind of like a demon Rihanna. Who knew?
Canada Should Not Be Trusted
Canada used to seem so innocent. South Park has been warning us for years, but no...we laughed at their assertions that Canada was bad, as we shoved our faces full of their delicious Poutine. I mean, anyone who comes up with french fries topped with gravy and cheese can't be that bad, eh? Wrong! Enter Justin Bieber. Ewww! Wait, WHA?
The Rainforest Stinks
School makes the rainforest seem like the most beautiful and pristine place on earth. But what they fail to mention is that it smells like a**. No wonder they're chopping it down! You wouldn't leave a turd sitting in your toilet bowl, would you?
So what has South Park taught you? Hit me up @desijedeikin or tell us what you think in the comments!
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