Just like there are rules for what not to do at the swimming pool, there are equally important rules for how not to ruin the last party of the season. Read on or deal with the consequences of your mistakes.
Don’t End a Summer Romance
Breakups are private matters (so much so that some people avoid even being in the same room as their boyfriend or girlfriend when dumping them). So the last thing you want to do is shatter someone’s heart in front of a large group of fellow picnickers, especially if they’re all gathered at the backyard of your date’s family. After all, not only will these relatives have ready access to hot charcoal and lighter fluid but also by this point they’ll have developed an insatiable taste for grilled meat, whether it be beef or yours. So instead use the picnic as an opportunity to drop a few hints about the relationship’s impending demise by saying something like “Boy, this corn on the cob sure tasted a lot sweeter at the beginning of the summer before it made me play ‘L.A. Noire’ every night we hung out and then told the same three gross jokes over and over again until I couldn’t stand looking at it.”
Don’t Go to the Beach
Warning: There will be approximately 3.7 million people at your local beach this Labor Day weekend. Now you might be thinking, “That can’t be true. There aren’t even 3.7 million people in my town.” But that only shows what a poor grasp you have on late-summer desperation and the preponderance of oceanside matter transporters. Anyway, best to avoid the endless traffic, countless beachgoers and $11 ice cream cups by simply having a Labor Day beach picnic at your neighbor’s swimming pool. As with all such holiday outings, make sure to get to your neighbor’s house early so you can stake out and claim the best poolside chairs, inflatable rafts and imported beer from their fridge before they wake up. Then turn on the grill, turn up the music and tune out your neighbors’ 6 A.M. screams from their upstairs bedroom window.
Don’t Bring Up What Labor Day Is Actually About
Labor Day picnics are often a time to bring families together. And bringing families together is never a time to discuss anything remotely related to politics, say the word “politics” or express a single deeply-felt personal opinion other than “slaw is good.” That’s because there is nothing like political discussion to tear apart a large family dinner that, frankly, was bound to end in a fight about something anyway. So imagine the heated exchanges, explosive tempers and purposely burnt veggies burgers you’d endure if you suddenly blurted out that Labor Day was created to celebrate the strength of the labor movement against corporate control. You might as well wear a hammer and sickle on your shirt (and then explain to anyone born after 1991 what the hell that symbol means anyway). So just stick to such dependable family conversation gambits as nodding politely whenever an older relative goes into graphic detail about their latest colostomy. Or calmly, repeatedly saying, “Right…Right…” whenever your mom goes on and on about something that you’re kinda sure involved the word “the” at some point. Or quietly impale a fork into your hand whenever your dad says how he would fix the government—and anyone who ever crossed him—if he were President.
Don’t Offer a Non-Traditional Picnic Menu
Memorial Day, Independence Day and Labor Day are the three picnic tent poles of summer. And if just one of those poles does not consist of grilled meats, non-lettuce salads and a begrudging acceptance of fruit-based salsas then summer itself will collapse into a heap of acrimony and cheap beer-fueled mayhem. So when it comes to your picnic menu make sure to stick with the tried and true. Don’t use the holiday to introduce a family still reeling from the “deviled egg” experiment to the taste sensation that is jellied scrod. Don’t think this is the year that you’re finally going to fuse Indian cuisine with butterscotch. And don’t start the picnic by dramatically pushing away the grill, yanking a weed from the curb and exclaiming, “It’s time we go back to nature!” before smothering it with Hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Don’t Introduce Your New Band
Summer is the perfect time to focus on some dream projects. Perhaps you used the last few months to finally finish that Great American Novel you’ve been talking about for as long as you can remember people rolling their eyes and saying, “That’s just ‘Goonies’ with robots!” Perhaps you made that short action film you’re certain will land you a Hollywood agent thanks to your brilliant use of paper cutout characters and red and orange markers for explosions. Perhaps you watched far too many episodes of “Breaking Bad” and now you’re neck deep in a business that tests your knowledge of both chemistry and dislodging a bullet from your own sternum. Or perhaps you and your friends spent all summer in the garage arguing over the direction of your new band until you all agreed on a musical style that can best be summed up as “Odd Future meets The Wiggles.” But that doesn’t mean you can use the family picnic to place an amp near the Jello mold so the elderly guests don’t miss a single chord progression. Rather, simply hand out flyers to your band’s first gig to all of your parents’ friends. Then walk away just in time to miss your mom politely apologizing as she gathers up all those flyers and says, “He’s almost certainly going back to school to become a doctor or floor finisher.”
Don’t Worry about Summer Ending
Labor Day isn’t simply the end of one season. It’s the exciting start to another. So don’t wander around the picnic muttering, “This is the last sparkler I will ever light this summer.” Or “This is the last hot dog I will ever eat this summer.” Or “This is the last time I will ever sleep with that worthless loser this summer…unless my self-esteem takes another nosedive this afternoon.” Instead, march around proudly and confidently as you announce, “This is the fall I take names and kick ass as the most violent census bureau employee ever!” Or “This is the fall I finally take charge of not only own life but also my relatives as I assume control of the family business by military force if need be!” Or “This is the fall I finally get into an exercise regime by walking first. Then Jogging. Then running. And then breaking into a mad sprint as I leave you guys and this pathetic town once and for all!” Then relax with a nice tall glass of sweet tea, because you’re going to need all the sugar and caffeine you can get to help you achieve your crazy-ass plans.
Don’t START a Summer Romance
Perhaps you were unlucky in love this summer. No matter how many parties you attended, how many times you put yourself out there, how many times you followed a potential romantic partner from what you thought was a safe distance over the course of several weeks and through an unforgiving legal system, you just never got to have that special summer connection you’re heard so much about in movies, music and more tender bathroom graffiti. But imagine trying to make up for all that by engaging in a summer romance over the course of a single afternoon picnic? The first hour you meet cute (read: drunk) in front of all the guests. The second hour you’ spend constantly making out in front of grandmother who already has trouble digesting solids. The third hour boredom sets in as you’re found yawning half-naked next to far too many exposed side dishes. The fourth hour you engage in passive-aggressive activity as you fight over ketchup bottle flow. And then finally the fifth hour you have a screaming, crying break-up while everyone else at the picnic looks on saying, “I didn’t realize those two even knew each other.”
What else shouldn't you do at the labor day picnic? Let us know in the comments!
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