College is a whole new world. One must acclimate to survive. Best of luck. Here are the first things you’ll need to know how to do:
1. Planning good times to poop
This is real. When you live in a dorm and especially if that dorm is co-ed and especially, especially if that dorm has co-ed bathrooms, you just can’t be pooping whenever you want. Even if it's not co-ed you cant stink up the bathroom or fart loudly when you have no friends yet. So there are a few ways to handle this situation. The best is to poop at the library and/or find the best single stall bathroom on campus and work this location into your schedule. Another option, set your alarm for four or five in the morning and train your body to poop at this time. Nobody will be in the bathroom at this time unless they are also trying to find a good time to poop.
2. “Reading”
In college, there is so much reading that the word or action itself must take on a new meaning. If you want to have a healthy social life and maintain sanity, you must treat reading as more of an umbrella term. I like to think of it as similar to going shopping. When you go shopping you aren’t going to every single store and buying every single thing. You visit some places and maybe pick up a few items. Same thing here. Browse the materials and pick out a few themes to hold onto. This can sometimes backfire if you are called on in class to speak on a theme you didn’t “purchase” when you went “shopping. But, alas, life is a trade off.
3. How to not get called on in a seminar when you have successfully mastered number 2. This guy knows.
This is a major skill to master that I utilized at least once a day in college. The trick is variety. When you know a teacher is getting close to opening the question up to the class, you must pretend you are doing something important and consuming but also appropriate to do in class. This requires some slight acting skills. One angle is to furrow your brow and pretend to be taking notes on something really important in your book. Another, pretend something important is going on in your school bag, like you are looking for something.
4. Only eating pizza sometimes
This one is simple. There is always pizza in college. Everywhere you look there is cheesy doughy pizza being offered to you. The administration uses it to lure students to events and lectures, kids use it to fundraise, and drunken people use it for, well, because they are drunk. That means you have to figure out a pizza-eating schedule much like the pooping schedule but a little bit less stressful. I would suggest leaving it for one night a weekend when partying and one day per week when at a campus event. Two times. No more.
5. How to make food using only a microwave and broken plastic knife
When pizza is not in the picture you will be left to your own devices. This usually involves a microwave. Best thing to do is keep a loaf of bread, tortillas, peanut butter, jelly and cheese in your mini fridge. This allows you to whip up a PB and J or a quesadilla in your room. Another thing to have is instant oatmeal and cereal. This is for those mornings you just can't get yourself to the dining hall, the days you are sick in bed, or those late nights when nobody else is hungry but you.
6. Differentiating between your neighbors sex noises and the cries of wounded animals
Believe me this will happen. This person will exist. You will be awakened in the night by a shrill orangutan scream and you will think first, Oh my God is an animal being slaughtered outside my window? But then you will come to know that sometimes your neighbor the right of your room gets very frisky and can’t control her sounds of pleasure. You wonder how these noises are possible and eventually you put your headphones on and play your sleepy time playlist.
7. How to never do laundry
This is a very, very important skill. Doing laundry while trying to have fun and get your work done is annoying. It feels wrong. So, you have to stretch out the length in between loads as long as possible. Best way to do this. Don’t exercise or do anything active so you never sweat. Just kidding. Wear deodorant and shower daily. This way your clothes wont smell bad and you can wear most things twice. When underwear runs out don’t wear any or wear a bathing suit. This will give you at least a full week plus the number of underwear you own. Sounds crazy but If you live on the fifth floor of a dorm with no elevator and the thought of somebody manhandling your laundry if you don’t switch it from washer to dryer on time makes you nervous, it's worth it.
8. How to drink constantly but not get too drunk or fat
This is a hard one. It’s super real though. They don’t call it the freshman 15 for nothing. It’s the pizza and the alcohol. Those two just get together in your belly and have a party…a big, blubbery party and you aren’t even invited. Because of this, you have to pace yourself. Don’t chug things. And if you do, don’t eat pizza after. Get it? Trade off.
9. Learn the right walk of shame routes with the least chance of running into professors or old hook ups
First of all try your hardest not to sleep in someone else’s room on Halloween or any nights that involve costumes or very fancy clothes. Especially if this party falls on a Thursday night because Friday morning people will be out and about for class. If you find yourself walking back to your room carrying your shoes from the night before, you must not walk past the library, dining hall or any dorms that could be problematic in terms of residents you may have had relations with in the past. Walk in the back of dorms and through as many wooded areas as possible. If you do run into someone, do not acknowledge what you are doing just smile and look down. If you run into one of your professors, you should just go cry in your room because now they know what you were doing last night.
10. Describing college to your parents
You gotta figure this one out because your parents are the ones who fill your bank account which in turn allows you to have fun. So, you must not neglect them. They want to hear things. They think they want to hear EVERYTHING but they should not hear everything. There is a balance. You owe them a weekly rundown of your classes but you do not owe them a weekly rundown of your drunken naughty escapades. Tell them about your friends, your “reading” and funny anecdotes about your weird roommate. If you make an appointment for yourself to do this every Sunday, your parents will be satisfied, leave you alone and give you money.
Do you think you can handle these skills? Let us know in the comments!
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