How to Tell if You’re Still Dreaming By Francesco Marciuliano
Sometimes dreams can seem so real you’re not really sure if you’re still asleep or actually ice dancing your way to an Olympic gold medal with a badger. But there are a few signs that can help you determine if you’re in the real world or still in the psychotic little circus we call our subconscious.
For someone with no real enemies you’re being chased an awful lot
You don’t know who they are, you can’t make out their faces, you don’t know why they’re after you and you don’t quite remember your town having so many dark alleyways. You also seem to be running with someone you half recall seeing on a train once but is now you’re one true friend, especially since they thought to bring a crossbow. And then you make that one last ditch turn, the scenery completely changes and now you’re celebrating your birthday on a boat with the Muppets.
You just found out about the final exam for that class you didn’t even know you were taking
Apparently you haven’t attended class all year for reasons you can’t quite remember but you think may have something to do with the fact that you’re no longer a student. But still classmates from high school, college and “The Breakfast Club” gather in a giant hall for the big test in a subject called “Social Studies Gym Math” as you sit in the very last row squinting at the questions written on a blackboard 300 yards away. Then you realize two seconds in that everyone is almost finished while you look down at your pencil to find both ends are actually erasers.
You’re currently plummeting to earth
Did you eject from a jet fighter? Were you thrown out of a moving zeppelin? Did you accidentally fall through an open manhole in heaven? It’s odd enough that you’re falling through the sky but even stranger that you don’t seem to be wondering why. Instead, you just try to flap your wings because you’re pretty sure that’s what worked the last time this happened. But alas you keep falling as all your friends fly higher and higher into the bright sky, each holding the hand of someone beautiful as all the floating attractive people point at your plummeting naked body and laugh.
You have far less teeth than you remember
You bite into an apple and a tooth falls out. You comb your hair and a tooth falls out. You beat the living crap out of Mickey Mouse and a tooth falls out. Soon you’re completely toothless as everyone else tears into big, juicy steaks, enjoys giant corn on the cobs and feed on the blood of the living because, oh, suddenly you’re now also a vampire and you’re going to stave to death unless you can stab people with straws or convince them to fall into blenders.
Every single turn you take is the wrong one
Though you don’t even remember getting out of your chair you are now deep in the woods. And not those beautiful autumnal woods with birch trees and colorful leaves and your car always in sight but those dark, forbidding woods that seem to be inhabited by winged bears and hillbilly witches and wind machines. Worse, you seem to be wandering around in circles, getting more and more desperate as it gets later and later and later until you win your big high school swim meet and everyone celebrates with cake because why the hell not?
You’re dating Brad Pitt but the two of you still live in your crappy studio apartment
Yes, that’s you, dating that famous celebrity you’ve always had a huge crush on as the two of you try on marked-down shoes at the Payless, wander around the supermarket, spend a whole Saturday idly flipping through your DVR recordings, make sure to scrub the plates good before you put them in the dishwasher, ask each other if the milk smells spoiled even though there’s like a whole three more days before the “Sell By” date and do all the things you thought you’d never, ever have to do again once you were dating a famous celebrity.
What other ways can you tell you're still dreaming? Let us know in the comments!
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