So after a long and successful Halloween weekend of pretending to be Harry Potter, my Meisner approach to the character has lead me to a few conclusions. The whole 7 book adventure could have gone a lot smoother if they just had a few simples spells that totes didn’t exist. I know I’m going to get a lot of flack from avid HP fans on this (yell at me @danborrelli on Twitter or in the comments below) but I think I know my stuff guys, as evidenced by my favorite Harry Potter quote. “May the force be with you” – Wolverine. And now I give you 10 Harry Potter spells that would have been super useful.
10.Smoke Detector
With the amount of accidental explosions and smoke in this movie it’s a wonder Hogwarts never burned to the ground. If my 3 foot apartment is required by law to have a smoke detector that hangs ripped out of the ceiling cause it beeped once in 2010 and I never replaced the battery; the Ministry should require this of the school as well. I mean think of the children.
9. Dance Better
Why is everyone in this school a turrable dancer? You would think at least one member of Slytherin would go all Happy Feet but everyone at this school seems to be cursed with every cliché of adolescence. A simple Waltzaicus Fastabra would have made growing up way easier for these kids. Although there’s still the matter of Ron’s “traditional totally-not-a-dress” robe.
8.Hair Straightener
I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t even need a spell for this. Just heat up two wands and poof, Vidal Sassoon’d. Hermione and Harry’s hair were ridiculous beyond repair. I mean most revolutionaries have ridiculous hair but come on people class it up a bit. Hermione looked a before picture in a Herbal Essences ad. A little layering would have given these kids the confidence to defeat Voldemort years earlier than they did.
7. Translation
Particularly for Parseltongue. This way EVERYONE gets to understand the sociopathic mumblings Harry makes from time to time. And it could have helped them figure out Voldemort's plan way earlier. I’m just saying, my cellphone can translate Estonian to English in like .5 seconds. Get with the times, Rowling.
6. Heightened Hearing
Thank goodness there are no deaf people in the Harry Potter universe cause they would have been pissed. Hey, let’s manipulate the boundaries of space and time but totally ignore the idea of amplifying sound! If they could just have figured out a way to eavesdrop on Voldemort they could have foiled so many plans you guys!
5.Homework Spell
Really, you can’t make a book read itself out loud or make a paper write itself? How does Hogwarts not have Sparknotes? Harry and Ron would constantly be up all night cause they never had time for homework. You would think their first priority would be to prevent this. Plus they shouldn’t have wasted all that time on facebook.
4. A GPS
No more lost in the woods, no more people getting killed in a giant maze, no more inability to track a dark lord. exGius Piuss esSisuss would have made everyone’s life a lot easier. Not to mention the ability to find the nearest Horcrux. “In 1000 feet, turn left, your face to face stand off with evil will be on the right.”
3. Autopilot
Google is working on a car that can drive itself and these magical wizards can’t even set a cruise control on their broom? While this certainly would have put an asterisk next to many a Quidditch titles, it would have made the whole flying-while-fighting to the death thing a lot simpler.
2. Email
So I get that you can send an owl or a Patronus or grab a boot or whatever but Y U no email Potter? “Hey, meet me by the library, ttyl.” is a lot more efficient than someone trying to interpret a deer. The more lines of communication the better a revolution. Just ask Libya about Twitter.
1. Invisible Heat-Seeking Sniper Missiles
Avada Kedavra bitch! I got your chosen one right here! Yippie ki-yay ya dark bast… you get the idea. What better way to end an epic literary saga than with a mysterious ancient spell that summons a giant weapon of mass awesome? Harry could just rip his shirt of, launch a rocket, decimate Voldemort, grab Ginny Weasley and just start making out. Then Ron could turn to the book camera and just say, “That’s one big pair of sorcerer's stones.” BOOM!
What spells do you wish Rowling had included? Let me know on Twitter @danborrelli or in the comments below.
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