So the other day I was trying to watch Netflix on my laptop cause they just added The Wonder Years and man that’s an amazing show that TOTALLY doesn’t seem worse watching it as an adult. Then suddenly, when Winnie Cooper is about to find out her brother died in Nam, buffering. For like 3 minutes! I mean come on people I got places to be, stuff to do, things to tweet! (@danborrelli) This horrifying experience made me realize that we live in a world full of first world problems. So I decided to write about the 10 most frustrating technologies.
10. TOUCH SCREENS
These are the worst. The touch screen on my phone always seems to fade to black whenever I’m about to press a button. The keyboards on all touch screen devices seem to just be messing with you. How is it I can go to type, “hey man, on my way” and what the screen reads is, “Hey fan, bon-bons for days.” Between the bad sensor, the auto-complete, the lack of a real keyboard… Touch screens are the DeLoreans of modern technology. They look cool in the movies but man they’re turrable.
9. GPS
CALCULATE ALREADY! My parents decided to name their GPS. They named it Tara or something, which I think is a turrable idea cause if I personified my GPS I’d be guilty of abuse. That thing is constantly being flung to the back seat in a fit of rage as it takes 20 minutes to locate a satellite. If only there was a device that allowed you to see all possible routes to a destination then pick your own, it could be made out of paper, we could call it a map…
8. IPODS
“Hey so we’re making that new music player you wanted Mr. Jobs, where should we place the skip buttons.” “NO SKIP BUTTONS!” “But Mr. Jobs…” “I want a wheel! Everything on a wheel! And it has to be long and flat! And you can’t make fun of me for it cause I’m dead and you have to be respectful now. TURTLE NECKS!” “Okay, so for uploading music…” “ITUNES! And if they try to use anything other than the first computer they use it erases everything!” “But why, Mr. Jobs.” “Cause screw you that’s why!” Scene.
7. WIRELESS NETWORKS
Me every time I’m at a friend’s house. “Right, I know you said the password was snifflepoop13, it still doesn’t work.” Why is it my radio can get KROQ when I’m driving through a mountain but my computer can’t connect with a router three feet away from it. Clearly I know nothing of technology. But I feel like we should get this fixed. I read an article that said Amurrcan internet connection is slower than about 15 other developed nations. 15! I don’t care if we’re last in math forever. It shouldn’t take me longer to download a Ke$ha video than some jerk in Belgium. Stupid Belgium…
6. ASIMO
It does walk like it has to poop, and that’s hilarious. But the latest video shows the only major achievement this robot has made in the last 4 years is the ability to jump ½ an inch off the ground and pour a cup of some orange crap. I’m pretty sure they taught monkeys to do that years ago. Then they sent them to space. And that was awesome. Cause monkeys in space is cool and Asimo is lame. – Science
5. TRAVEL SITES
I found an ancient Egyptian text yesterday (while digging around Egypt cause why not) and it said that before the internet people had something called “travel agents” who used to use common sense to book the best and cheapest travel arrangements possible. You could look at nearby airports, dates in a certain range, and even combination land/air travel. The best I can do with Kayak is get the same $500 price quote from 3 obnoxious websites instead of just one. Thanks a pantload technology.
4. KINECT
I once spent two hours shadow boxing at a party because of this stupid thing. The problem with Kinect is just that it’s freakin awesome! And we’re not even sponsored by them (well, I’m not anyway). But we totally should be cause I want a free one. PLAY XBOX!
3. FACEBOOK
Okay so we all know the many complaints about Facebook. And often time the people complaining are the ones who are on it 12 hours a day. This is fair, but something to keep in mind. Facebook has ruined both the high school reunion, and the high school year book. You guys in HS now don’t know what you’re missing. I was a freshmen in college when FB was launched to schools, and only schools, nationwide. Before that we had to go around and hope a cute girl would put her number in a yearbook, or write really insightful things in the blank space under the club photos. It wasn’t much but it added an air of emotion and innocence to leaving high school. Something which is now but a distant memory – Science
2. IPADS
“Hey, so we’re about to launch the iPad. How should we make it customizable?” “NO WE MAKE MY WAY DUMBY!” “But Mr. Jobs, what if somebody wants to create a new folder, or a new photo album, or change- ” “NO NEW FOLDERS!”
“…” “…”
“Well can it play Angry Birds?” “YES!”
1. K-TACO-HUT
This unholy abomination is a sacrilege against the food community. This terrifying combination KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut answers the question, “what would happen if all of what I love could come together on one plate?” It’s powerful, moving, and terrifying. It’s poetry in motion. It’s both ahead of it’s time and in touch with a generation long forgotten. It’s K-Taco-Hut, bitches. – Science
What technologies frustrate you the most? Let me know in the comments section below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
Check Out 8 Future Technologies (That Will Be Amazingly Dangerous)!
Comments
Post a Comment