They say the longer we live the more we learn. But you don’t have to be on this planet too long for some very obvious realizations to keep smacking you in the face again and again.
The Best Way to Judge Someone Is to See How They React in a Long Checkout Line
Forget the Myers-Briggs test. There is no better way to determine a person’s true personality than to watch them stand in a long line at the store. Well-adjusted people will accept their four-hour fate with quiet resolve, slight annoyance or grim determination. Anxious, easily overwhelmed or self-absorbed people will start sighing loudly and trying to make eye contact with you, as if for some reason you’re suddenly a team and you’re both thinking, “Can you believe this? Can you seriously &%$*ing believe this?!” And the full-blown psychotics will constantly shift back and forth on their feet, glance in every direction and start screaming “WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG?!?” which in reality translates into “WHY THE HELL DOESN’T EVERYTHING GO THE WAY I WANT IT TO EVERY DAY AND HOW DARE YOU OTHER PEOPLE EXIST?!?”
Everyone Thinks Everyone Else Is Nuts
We all like to think we have our act together. “Sure, I may have my moments,” you may be saying to yourself right now, “but overall I’m one of the few sane people around.” Alas, right now someone is recalling your name and thinking, “God, I hope they got help or at least some medication.” That’s because the very foundation of society is built upon the fact that everyone thinks everyone but them is a complete lunatic. It’s that very thought process that helps us be more forgiving of other people’s actions, lets us feel more secure and confident in ourselves and, more importantly, gives us the quick answer “Still nuts” whenever anyone asks us how our parents are doing.
The Perfect Shower Temperature is a Myth
Much like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the movie version of “Arrested Development,” the perfect shower water temperature is something we’ve long heard about but know deep down we will never witness. Oh sure, we have our brief glimpses, our momentary sightings of that seemingly just right mixture of hot and cold water. But suddenly everything changes, causing the fates laugh so hard you can hear them choke as you run screaming naked out of the bathroom ice cold, boiling hot or wondering how the hell your shower found a temperature that could both scald your head and deep freeze your crotch at the same time.
You Won’t Be as Famous as You Want to Be
Fame is like “gryphon hunter” in that it’s an unusual and ultimately unsatisfactory career goal. Sure, most of us want to be known to some degree. But people who dream of being famous often always want to be more famous. They get a lot of hits on YouTube and they want to be on TV. They get on TV and they want to be in the movies. They get in the movies and they want their face sandblasted across the bright side of the moon. They peer down on everyone from the heavens every night and they want the stars to align to spell out their name. This will continue forever as they wonder if everyone everywhere is thinking of them at all times, not realizing most people often have trouble remembering where they parked, much less recalling all the famous people out there.
You Will Never Be Fully Prepared
Whether you’re planning on getting into college, getting a job, getting married or getting a posse together to combat the zombie apocalypse, you will never be fully prepared. Things will always come up. Finances may change for college. The job market may switch to an all-elf power economy. You may marry Kim Kardashian and find yourself divorced eight hours later. You may realize you’re dealing with the “28 Days Later” fast-paced rage-filled zombies instead of the George Romero lumbering zombies, making your “whack ‘em with a shovel” plan ineffective. But all that is okay (except for the part in which you are devoured whole by zombies or emotionally by a Kardashian). Life is full of the unknowable and as long as you keep a positive attitude you just might be able to create a homemade canon to decimate the undead.
Every Movie, TV Show and Cartoon You’ve Ever Loved as a Kid Will Be Remade. Poorly.
Right now somewhere, deep in the Hollywood hills, they are writing the screenplay for “Saved by the Bell: Homicide Division.”
What other unexpected people are Storm Troopers? Let us know in the comments!
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