OMG! I did not see this one coming! Biebs has been slapped with a paternity suit, y'all! I know what you're all thinking. How can a girl, who has no penis and has yet to reach puberty knock up a skank-liever?? It's like a friggin' miracle or something!
Who is this supposed Bieber baby mama? Why it's twenty-year-old fan Mariah Yater, who is now suing the star, requesting that he not only submit to a paternity test but that he provide support for the three-month-old baby boy. Someone need to get Maury Povich on the phone, STAT!
The best thing about the lawsuit, though, has got to be the details that Yater gives regarding the time she spent with Bieber. Got your barf bag handy? Okay, I'll continue. She clams that a security guard approached her a year ago at one of Bieber's concerts at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. She was invited backstage because the teen idol had seen her in the front row and requested a meeting. When she met Bieber the attraction was so strong that they immediately started making out. The Biebs then told Mariah that he wanted "to make love to her and this would be his fist time." If you aren't doubled over puking or belly laughing right now at the very idea of this happening, I can only assume you're a Bieber fan. And I join sane people everywhere in mocking you.
Then he apparently turned into Lil' Wayne and started dropping the f-bomb real sexy-like, and things got X-rated for 30 seconds. I kid you not. The fact that Bieber's alleged first time lasted 30 seconds has been entered into a legal document that has been presented to a court of law. So that makes it like official. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a way to prove you're not a girl! Insert sarcastic slow clap.
Mariah also claims that Bieber refused to wear a condom because "it was his first time and he wanted to feel everything." Can someone please strike me on the head with a heavy object? Not enough to kill me, just enough to give me a case of temporary amnesia.
Naturally, the Bieber camp is denying Yater's claims. And who you gonna believe? America's favorite pre-pubescent punching bag or a twenty-year-old statutory rapist who willingly testified that she submitted to thirty seconds of hell on earth with a girlie boy-child thing? Like I said...deciding on a disputed paternity should be left to the master!
What do you think? Are the details of this story horrifying or hilarious? Do you believe the Bieb is no longer a virgin? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
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