Thanks to Twitter, fame is well within everyone’s reach. But there are some steps you must take before you can have everybody screaming your name, phone number and home address.
Act as if You’re Already Famous
There’s an old business adage that goes “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” And so it goes with Twitter. Appear online as if you’re already famous and soon others will say you’re famous. This can be done by posting such typical celebrity tweets as “The kid’s not mine,” “I have the best fans in the world,” “Everything I have I owe to you guys” and “I just hit Spielberg with my Tesla Roadster but his next of kin and I are cool.”
Create a Following
The sad truth is in order to get a bunch of people to follow you, they need to see that a bunch of people are already following you. That’s why you have to create a following, by which I mean create tens of thousands of alternate Twitter identities to follow you, each with their own email account, name and profile pic. Then to make sure that none of them look like a bot, have these fake Twitter accounts follow other people and post their own tweets on a regular basis. Soon you’re writing hundreds of thousands of updates a day as you sit starving, naked and reeking in front of your computer, afraid that if you step away for just one second your scam is done for.
Post a Lot but Not Too Much but Just Enough but Don’t Overdo It
Famous people lead interesting lives, or so famous people tell us. So you have to keep updating people about your thrill-a-minute lifestyle before they find out just how long you’ve been sitting on your sofa with a Dorito on your chin, seeing if you can flip it into your mouth with your tongue. Of course, if you update too much people will get annoyed and unsubscribe. So you need to find that perfect balance between the far-too-comprehensive “Now brushing the third tooth from the top left” and the disheartening “Well, been three days since I last posted or got out of bed.”
Develop a Writing Style that Can Charitably be Called “Insane”
If you don’t have anything to say then say nothing in the most spectacularly disturbing fashion possible. Make political statements that keep using the word “overlord” or “Other Earth.” Describe your love life in terms of My Little Pony erotica. Explain why you and the color blue scream at each other all the time on the bus. Anything that will make people say, “You’ve gotta follow this lunatic before he’s prescribed the right medication.”
Engage with Fans
Celebrities who have millions of followers know that to keep your fans you have to interact with them. So every so often ask your fans for their opinion, how they’re doing, if they have any money they can lend you, if they’ll let you crash on their sofa or floor provided they have an Aero bed, and if that photo you just put up on yfrog looks serious or is probably just a rash from that you time you used Krylon spray paint to get a cheap tan. Just keep reaching out and your fans will stick by you, if only because they’ll be afraid that if they leave you you’ll die.
Be a Cat
You pretended to be famous. You created your own fan base. You wrote a lot but never A LOT. You even reached out to the fan base that you created in the first place, resulting in thousands of Twitter dialogues in which you were writing both sides of the conversation. And still nothing has worked. That’s when you just give up and create an account for a cat. “Meow,” you’ll write for your first tweet. “Meow meow” for your second. And so on until the entire feline-obsessed Internet is following you as you try to determine how many “Meows” you need to type to get your real emotions across.
How do you plan to become famous on Twitter? Let us know in the comments!
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