So the newest Twilight movie supposedly has caused people to have seizures. For real. On one hand, it’s sad because, hey, seizures. On the other hand, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. We all knew that the Twilight movies were hurting your brain, now’s there’s proof. But what were the OTHER Twilight movies doing to the brains of America’s teenagers and creepy moms into Taylor Lautner? I’m a doctor (I’m not a doctor), so here’s my professional opinion on the brain disorders caused by the movies in the Twilight Saga.
Twilight - Color Vision Deficiency
Viewers of the first Twilight movie are 15% more likely to suffer from an inability to distinguish between different colors, specifically between blue and any other color. Twilight actually was bluer than any other film in the color film era, with some hues powerful enough to damage the cornea. Not only was this movie blue, it also BLEW (see what I did there).
Many Twilight viewers reported being unable to tell if some undead guy watching you while you sleep is “romantic” or “beyond creepy.”
New Moon – Separation Onset Depression
Where most of people will be sad about a breakup, Eclipse viewers were 67% more likely to go beyond “sad,” and become a near catatonic, self-centered, whiney jerks who take their lives in their hands to feel “close to him again” whatever that means. Eclipse viewers also reported increased desires to sexually tease a werewolf but never put out, no matter how infrequently said werewolf removed his shirt.
Eclipse - Disorientation
Some viewers of New Moon have trouble understanding the current time, place, or environment. For example, let’s say there’s a vengeful redhead vampire who swore to kill you. She knows your hometown, what you look like, and your name. A normal person would not at all be shocked if the vengeful vampire tracked you down, using some crazy vampire-power like “a phone book” or “google.” However, New Moon viewers are 34% more likely to be like “OMG! She found Bella? HOW? Who could have predicted this?!”
Breaking Dawn: part 1 - Seizures
This is a real thing, and just to reiterate: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Breaking Dawn: part 2 - Stewart’s Palsy
15% of girls who watch this movie become afflicted with Stewart’s Palsy, a terrible disease where they are sadly unable to make more than 1½ facial expressions. It’s a tragic disease. Donate today.
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