Sometimes I’ll re-watch an old movie that I haven’t seen in years, something from when I was a little kid, like Ninja Turtles or The Sandlot and it makes me all warm and fuzzy feeling. However every once in a while I’ll see something I used to love, or stumble upon a new, current kid's movie, and I get the strange feeling that the director had no idea what “kid's movie” means. Some of these films deal with such adult issues it’s a wonder why our parents let us watch them at all. So I decided to highlight a few of these. Here's 5 kid's movies that I think have no business being kid's movies.
5. THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER
Rating: Unrated Should be: R
This story, which follows a similar yet more eerie storyline to the plot of Toy Story 3, is about a toaster and 4 other appliances who run away after their unseen “master” disappears from the house and abandons them. This movie deals with god and death. More like a third year philosophy course than a kid’s movie. In one of the earliest scenes in the movie the A/C unit, who can’t walk and has totally relied on his master, decides to commit suicide because he can’t cope with the idea that his god has left him to waste away in despair. Yup, totally a kid's movie.
The appliances travel and try to survive on their journey to find their master who has moved from their small cabin to a big city. Along the way, the group fights internally, finding they are torn apart by their views on life and their image of their master. They eventually end up at a pawnshop where broken appliances who have lost faith realize their time is at an end. They see themselves as nothing more than soulless parts waiting to be disassembled. The toaster and his buddies escape.
After finally finding the master’s house they meet the new appliances. Since the master is not there (he went back to the cabin to get more stuff but they don’t know that because one cannot understand the actions of god, right?) they decide they are no longer useful and head for the dump. When the master finds them at the dump it’s too late. A crane has dropped them onto a conveyor belt that is slowly bringing them to a trash compactor where they will be destroyed. Upon seeing the presence of his one true master, the toaster sacrifices himself to save everyone else.
This movie was so much fun for me as a kid! I can’t help but think it’s because I went to Catholic school.
4. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
Rated: PG Should be: PG-13
A boy befriends a dragon and they have a magical journey and Jay Baruchel actually gets some work. Fine. Sounds like a simple kid's movie. But the fact of the matter is that this movie turns out to take on a lot more than an unlikely friendship.Aside from the awkward adolescent romance, which stays pretty innocent, this film deals with a rather unique mystical past.
Women in this society are warriors. While this idea seems to be a powerful message to children, it also reinforces the bigger idea of the patriarchal society at hand. That everyone must fight; they must be a soldier, they must kill beasts, and they must not ask questions. While the ideal is rooted in defense it comes across as more of a sport for these people.When Hiccup’s dad can no longer take the fact that his son is creative and left handed and wants to be an engineer; he signs him up for what is literally a child soldier training program.
(Spoilers) After a constant battle between the need for his father’s approval and the moral pressure to not kill innocent creatures, Hiccup discovers that there is a dragon overlord (so to speak) who is making all the dragons fight the humans like a dictator. Hiccup’s pet dragon (named Toothless) then proceeds to kill this beast by simply breathing into his mouth. Okay. What? Hold on…
So basically these dragons were “just following orders” when they were killing humans. Which means they could have turned on their leader at any time and didn’t. It wasn’t until the humans kidnapped and deprogrammed them that they developed a weird Stockholm Syndrome and switched sides. This ultimately makes Hiccup’s conservative father correct, that these were mindless beasts out to kill. Proving that peace can only be obtained through war, Hiccup finally learns to fight and ends up losing a foot in the final battle.
3. WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
Rated: G Should be: PG-13
This movie scared the crap out of me when I was like 6! The creepy song about a strange man who gives candy to kids. A Dexter-like factory owner who uses illegal slave labor to create a monopoly on the chocolate industry. 4 grandparents who all sleep in the same bed? WHA??
The worst part is the overall idea of a guy teaching children simple morality lessons by killing them like some sort of vigilantly Aesop. The modern version is no better and just made me scream “I need an adult” at 19.
And the idea that the whole thing was a test to find an heir for his throne? “Hey kids, if you behave yourself and live an honest life you’ll be rewarded with a company created by a guy who manipulated the legal system and cornered the market through immoral and dishonest business practices.” Life lessons galore in this movie!
Okay so the kids come out alive at the end and they aren’t “murdered” but that doesn’t change the fact that this guy is a psychopath. We’re honestly supposed to believe none of these parents, especially the uber rich Salt family, pressed any legal charges against the factory? I know they all signed a waiver but come on they got Zuckerberg to give up half of his Facebook money because of an email! All in all this movie is terrifying and creepy and is one of those moments that make me go, “Man I’m so glad I missed the 70s.”
2. HAPPY FEET
Rated: PG Should be: NC17
So in this world penguins have to sing a personalized song in order to find a mate, fine. Elijah Wood's penguin can’t, he’d rather express himself through dance. So Elijah Wood penguin gets kicked the hell out by his conservative Republican blue-collar dad penguin for being weird and different. It sounds like more of a storyline on Glee than it does a children’s movie. They never use the word gay, obviously cause that’s just offensive. Unlike Robin William’s totally non-offensive Mexican accent that he uses when portraying the “street smart” and “dirty” penguins. Plus Elijah Wood penguin does find a girl to fall in love with in the end, but the undertone is still massive.
A boy who gets kicked out of his house at a super young age finds refuge with the penguins that hang out outside of Home Depot and continues to find himself through dance. But there are a lot of really dark moments of despair for Elijah Woodguin and the style and tone of this movie are way darker than I ever expected. Aside from falling in love with Brittany Murphy penguin, who is a total tease, Elijah ends up getting kidnapped and placed in captivity. Here, and I crap you not, he slowly loses his mind like in The Shining until all he can do is dance and probably spin his head around in a complete circle or something.
Oh yeah, and all of this happens after his hometown that he was kicked out of is ravaged by a lack of fish and pollution. You even see a penguin caught in those Coke can rings like that turtle photo that keeps popping up on the internet. It’s terrifying.
It’s really the tone and visuals in this movie that make it so disturbing. But whatever it made almost $400,000,000 in theaters so now I’m the moron, right?
1. WALL-E
Rated: G Should be: R
It’s a silent short film followed by a dystopian look at our future that is becoming more and more an accurate description of what life will be like in 100 years. It’s dark, depressing, and makes the viewer feel just as alone as little Wall-e trying to grasp at a problem and a world far out of his reach. The idea that this little, lone, machine can change the world for the better is very inspiring, but unfortunately serves as a dark reminder that our society is too far down a destructive path to change. It is only when we hit rock bottom will be awakened to our mistakes. And Wall-E shows that it may not be the machines who destroy us, but who save us from ourselves.
Also come on dude kid’s movies should not make me cry like that. It was embarrassing. It’s like this movie, the first 6 minutes of Up, and that Youtube video of the guy who goes back to see the lion that he raised as a cub. Cuttin' onions, bro. Cuttin' onions.
What movies do you think are too mature for their audiences? Let me know in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
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