For centuries people were terrified by the blood-sucking creatures of the night. But that fear quickly paled to the pie-smashing creatures of the mid-afternoon. But how did clowns surpass vampires as mankind’s ultimate threat (if you discount things like war)? Here are but a few reasons why the monsters in rainbow wigs are far scarier than the monsters in Hot Topic platform shoes.
Clowns Hide Their True Intentions Behind Makeup
One look at a vampire’s brooding gaze, hungry mouth and sharp inhale of the nostrils whenever they’re around fresh blood and you know immediately what he wants. But a clown can hide under so many layers of whiteface that you’d never know behind that giant smile is a person thinking, “Gee, I wonder what human bones taste like.”
Clowns Never Act Their Age
Despite their youthful appearances, many vampires have hundreds of years of life experience. This makes them quite seductive or at least a good person to turn to for investment advice. Clowns, on the other hand, do pratfalls, make silly jokes, play with balloons and perpetually act like a full-grown man about to poop in footy pajamas, meaning they may not have the emotional maturity to know that not everything or everyone is meant to burn.
Clowns Trick Adults into Thinking They’re Perfect for Kids
No sensible adult would invite a vampire to perform at children’s birthday parties or cheer up little ones at a hospital without fear of what would happen to the kids’ blood IVs. But time and time again these very adults have been fooled into believing clowns are innocent, childlike and not in possession of Russian nesting dolls made entirely out of smaller and smaller human heads. And so while a parent may grab their child and flee from a vampire, they’ll think nothing of walking that same kid right up to a psychopath in polka dots and saying, “Billy, meet Mr. Piddles. He’ll be wielding your birthday cake knife.”
Clowns Don’t Need an Invitation to Enter Your House
As any fan of horror books or movies can tell you, a vampire cannot go inside your house without an invitation. Clowns, on the other hand, can enter anywhere anytime at will. And although the chances of some guy in a red fuzzy wig, striped puffy pants and size 42E shoes casually climbing through your bedroom window at night are nil, the fact that you just read that description may have made it the most absolutely terrifying image in your head right now.
You Can’t Kill a Clown without Going Away for a Very, Very Long Time
By the time the hero in a movie kills a vampire even his most vocal skeptics are looking at the smoldering pile of Dracula dust and thinking, “Yeah, that thing had to go.” But despite appearances, clowns are not unworldly creatures. They’re often your neighbors. So if you kill a clown you’ll forever be known as “that f***ing lunatic who shoved a wooden stake through Mr. Henderson down the street.” Which means if a clown does attack you, you have no option but to run…or hope filling their seltzer bottle with holy water will have some negative effect on them.
Clowns Are Real
You can say all you want about how vampires attack at night, assume different form, turn to mist to sneak under your door, and tear into your neck to drain you of your blood and soul. But when you get right down to it, they just don’t exist. Which means unlike clowns there is absolutely 0% chance of you ever seeing one, meeting one or coming across one at a kid’s birthday only to hear it say, “For this next bit I’ll need a volunteer” and then stare directly at you.
Do you think clowns are scarier than vampires? Let us know in the comments!
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