I am really getting fed up with people constantly complaining that I spend too much time on the internet, constantly telling me that there's a whole world out there. Other than real live human contact and breathing in fresh air...what exactly am I missing? There's a whole world in this laptop too, haters! And despite my vitamin D deficiency, I would dare say the internet is superior to real life in many ways. Here are eight...just off the top of my head.
You Can Carefully Control Your Image
YOU show the world what you want them to see on the internet! No bad hair days, no post-kegger bloat, just the best picture you've ever taken of yourself with a flattering hipstamatic filter, carefully cropped and touched up until it looks exactly like you think you look. If you wanna add boobs, abs or girlfriends with abs and boobs, you better take an online Photoshop course.
A More Pleasant Shopping Environment
No lines, no taxes (usually) and no unappealing cottage cheese butt crack while you're trying to purchase yourself a chub of Boar's Head salami. You can get a gift pack of chubs on Amazon, yo. For real! They're called chubs. I just found that out and I can't stop using the word chubs now.
You Can Say How You Really Feel Pretty Much Without Consequence
Getting flagged is WAY better than getting a face punch or a kick to the nads. As long as you don't cyber-bully. That's like selectively illegal, so don't take a chance. You don't wanna go to jail, you probably don't get much access to the internet there. And after the painful shiv-ings, it's the worst part about being locked up.
You Can Explore The 'World' Without Getting Dressed
No clothes exist that are more comfortable than my sock monkey pajamas. They're flannel. I guess I could wear them to Walmart but then I'd probably end up on a fail pic blog.
It Makes Hating A Breeze!
It's much easier to hate from afar than it is to hate a live human face. In real life you can only get your rage on for extreme acts against you or your friends. Online you can rage against someone who has merely professed their desire for coffee for the hundredth time in their status update. We get it! you like coffee! Now go DIAF. If you're really lucky you can find other friends who also hate the coffee lover and start a private group whose sole purpose is to rag on the offending person. IRL this would appear petty, even sad. Online it's slightly less sad and petty.
Able To Scan For Malicious Entities And Viruses
Real life would be so much better if you could scan every person you come into contact with before allowing them access to your hard drive.
You Can Enjoy Cats Even If You Have An Allergy
Imagine a life with NO CATS!?! The internet has single-handedly cured the depression of those who were living life as an empty shell of a human being due to their catlessness. And they can enjoy them without ever stepping on a slightly moist log of hairball one morning.
Spelling And Grammar No Longer Matter
dey rly dunt. u can jezz make dat sh*t up as u go.get KrEeAtiF. Erbody dumb heerr, MRS_DEDEBABBI say s'ok. My spellcheck just disowned me.
What are some other ways the internet is better than real life? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
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