The Internet’s archenemy is an ever-expanding, tightly woven unit called The Family. At the end of each year, this creature of habit gathers its membership for a few weeks worth of war on wireless. The elder members of the family don’t allow the youth to play with their phones… because it pisses them off. Some even go so far as to take their affiliates on a trip to a remote location, where web access is pricey or nonexistent. Here’s a guide for those being forced to live without our friend The Internet this holiday season.
Make Friends With A Smart Person
Can’t use Google? No problem. Befriend a smart person, and she will have all the answers you need! Get super chummy really quickly, so it won’t be offensive when you call her for two-second conversations, like, “Which actor was the narrator in Inside Job? Matt Damon? Oh, that’s not who I’m thinking of. Let it snow. K thanks bye.”
Develop More Facial Expressions
If you don’t have emoticons at your disposal, there’s no way anyone will understand the emotional intent behind what you’re saying. Practice different facial expressions in the mirror to broaden your repertoire. What’s (:-$), anyway? Soon you’ll be able to say the most offensive things and come off as harmless as if you’d added an accompanying “haha.”
Create The Biggest Scrapbook Ever
Without Facebook, you’re in danger of forgetting who your friends are. Make sure to tote around a big-ass scrapbook of everyone you know and their friends, and steal glances whenever you start feeling like your life revolves around whether you and your sister will get over this fight. Whatever, there are still people out there who do love you!
Produce A Vaudeville Show
By this point, your brain is accustomed to a certain level of constatainment (a term I just coined to describe the stuff that doesn’t qualify as entertainment that you watch anyway. If you don’t reach your daily quota, you start to feel bored. Become a 21st century Ziegfeld, and you’ll have all the original music, silly animals, comedy bits, and techno-dancing cross-dressers you need to fill that void. How far we’ve come as a society!
Take Interest In The World Around You
Whoa, totally kidding here. There’s nothing interesting about the world around you. You pretty much got the gist of it by age four. Maybe blindfold yourself to heighten your other senses and get a different perspective on things you’ve already encountered. You never know what you might STUMBLE UPON. (hehe!)
Kidnap Anthony And Ian
Your own personal Smosh machine, what better holiday present could there be? Just tell your family that Ian and Anthony are some drifters on whom you took pity – it is the holidays, after all. If your mom really loves you, she’ll let you keep them.
Are you guys going wireless-less for the holidays? Any other tips for surviving without the Internet? Let us know in the comments section!
Check Out These 8 Reasons The Internet Is Better Than Real Life!
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