Say what you will about SyFy Channel’s original movies, but they sure do know how to get you to spend two hours watching characters stare at computer monitors, stare at off-screen events too expensive to render and stare off in thought trying to remember their lines. And if you didn’t think 2011 gave you enough opportunities to watch actors watch things, just wait what the SyFy Channel may have in store for you next year!
Kittentacles Vs. Puppeacock
The SyFy channel once again showcases the horrors of prehistoric crossbreeding and filming the first draft of a screenplay. This time two ancient creatures and eternal enemies--despite one having lived in the water and the other in the air—come back to life thanks to a science experiment that never should have gotten funding because of the countless times it mentioned “monsters” in its grant proposal. The giant kitten and puppy then do battle, destroying half the world as people alternate between screaming in horror and collectively saying, “Awww!”
Ice Inferno
When hell actually freezes over due to a curse from an ancient religion that didn’t believe in hell in the first place, all the demons converge on Citytown’s annual motionless “Hot Tub Parade” to stay warm and collect enough souls to power their satanic space heater. That’s when it’s up to a former 80’s teen singing sensation turned actress—who repeatedly looks at the floor to see where her mark is before speaking—to save the day, all while mispronouncing “nuclear.” And “sandwich.”
Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster
Following in the footsteps of his creator Dr. Frankenstein, Frankenstein’s monster decides to reanimate his own creature using the body parts of vampires, werewolves and Godzilla. The result is a not-so-terrifying beast that can’t go out during the day or it will turn to dust, can’t go out at night or it’ll transform and undo all the stitching, and can’t stay inside because it’s 40 stories tall and setting fire to everything.
The Day the Earth Turned into the Sun and Burned Everyone Alive
What happens when the world’s temperature starts increasing 1,000 degrees each day? You have a plot that lasts six seconds before the entire cast is incinerated. So SyFy pads out the movie with a 90-minute prologue featuring people saying, “Is it hot?” “I feel like it’s getting hotter.” “Hot enough for you?” and “Did that tree just burst into flames?”
Honeybeastly
While responding to a routine domestic disturbance call involving a mother and the adult son who lives with her, police accidentally find the millions of honeybees that have gone missing over the past few years. Turns out the bees had been kept bound and gagged in the son’s makeshift dungeon basement, where they are forced to perform horribly obscene acts with him in a movie so disgusting SyFy will interrupt it halfway through to premiere their new cartoon series, “Battlestar Galactic Babies.”
The Infinite Invasion
When aliens attack earth because they didn’t come this far for nothing, humanity is almost instantly on the verge of extinction. That is until the U.S. army uncovers an “Easter egg” in the “About” plaque of the alien’s new statue, giving them unlimited lives and making earth if not indestructible then forever undefeatable. The result is a movie that doesn’t so much end but goes on and on until bored kids eventually shut off the film and spend the rest of the afternoon looking for the cheat codes in “Saints Row: The Third.”
What are some SyFy movies you'd like to see? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment