Super Mario has appeared in over 100 different game titles. But here are the until-now unknown games that never made to the stores’ shelves, bargain bins or even dumpsters out back.
Super Mario’s Economic Downturn
MarioLand joins the European Union only see it’s entire economy collapse within minutes. Soon it’s no longer able to afford its intricate pipe system, fire flowers, super mushrooms or any game detail over 8-bits or not taped on the TV screen by the player. That left only a sole floating brick, which Mario repeatedly smashes with his skull in the hopes of revealing a coin, only to suffer severe head trauma as the screen goes blood red.
Super Mario: This Is for Luigi!!!
After his brother is killed due in a long-standing feud with a rival plumbers union, Mario goes on a bloodthirsty revenge trail in a first-person shooter that horrified the Wii’s typical market so much it became the first Super Mario game for the Xbox. Armed to the teeth and foaming out the mouth, Mario shoots, stabs, burns, shreds, bites, turns into flesh confetti and defecates on every single character that appears in screen, resulting in a video game rating comprised entirely of screams and curse words.
Super Mario GPS Fun Times
Removing what they thought was the most unwanted aspect of Super Mario—discovering for yourself all the excitement and pure imagination of the game’s many worlds—this version simply tells the player when and where to turn. If you make a wrong turn the game will recalibrate as it helps you reach such fun-filled destinations as your uncle’s house or that outlet store that better be worth the trip. Make enough wrong turns, though, and you will become hopelessly lost, eventually winding up in “Ninjabread Man” or another game you never, ever had any desire to play.
Super Mario Pissed-Off Hurling and Hurting Game
Hoping to do the “Angry Birds” games one better and win back fans, this game featured Mario as he violently slingshots Birdo and Yoshi at anything and everything: sides of building, oncoming traffic, low flying aircraft, bottomless canyons. Unlike “Angry Birds,” however, Mario has absolutely no reason to do any of the hurling, save for the booklet’s brief explanation that “Mario is off his meds.” The game was eventually condemned by everyone except your most adamant psychopaths.
Super Mario Dining Companion
Always wanted to find out more about the mustachioed man behind the myth? With “Dining Companion” you get to sit virtually across from Mario at a restaurant, asking him questions pre-approved by his agent. Learn how Mario curiously hates long walks on the beach but loves phonies. Smile awkwardly as he tells yet another amusing anecdote about how he usually eats with a better class of people. Go dead silent as you realize he’s been on his cell phone for the past 40 minutes, asking his agent if he can leave the table yet.
Super Mario Is Lodged in Your Colon
You’ve helped Mario travel across many worlds, and even through galaxies. But can you help him get out of the final section of the digestive system? Turns out the answer was a flat-out “No,” simply because the player spent most of their time extracting water and salt from solid human waste, making for perhaps the most disgusting game of all time. The only way to win was to perforate the intestinal lining in the hopes of killing the host body and seeing those blessed words “Game Over” finally appear on the screen.
What Super Mario games would you like to see? Let us know in the comments!
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