With only hours to go until the big night, here’s one last peek at Santa Claus’s Christmas Eve checklist.
Remain Sober
Santa has learned the hard way all too many times—the more he drinks at his workshop’s holiday party pre-flight, the more likely he will wake up an entire family as he has a loud and nasty argument with their neighbor, kid or Christmas tree.
Suit Up
Everyone knows that Santa has a certain look. Alas, that look can change from country to country. So either Kringle settles on one outfit for the entire world or he changes clothes repeatedly, struggling to put on different pants several thousand feet in the freezing air at 650 miles per second, only to watch as the one pair with his sled and house keys plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
Reward Elves
Every successful Christmas Eve is the result of tremendous teamwork. And each member of that team deserves to be rewarded in a way only a giant non-profit company that experiences colossal financial losses each year from giving away its product and doesn’t even bother paying its staff to begin with can afford.
Bring Food
We all know that every road trip requires some snacks for along the way. Yet Santa never seems to remember to bring his own food, instead relying on the occasional cookies on a plate, the occasional pre-prepared Christmas Day dinner in someone’s fridge, the occasional bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label in the easily broken-into liquor cabinet and occasionally waking up somebody to ask, “Can you make like 48 sandwiches? I’m starving and the next several thousand miles don’t have a single rest stop.”
Place Gifts in Sled
Although overworked and under the gun, Santa has to keep the following things constantly in mind when loading up his sled: Place nametags on all gifts BEFORE you toss them in one giant pile, don’t put such gifts like glass or puppies on the bottom of the sack and this time remember to attach the sled to the reindeer before they take off and he has to rent a U-Haul truck again.
Share the Wealth
If some eight-year-old wakes up to find a Lexus with a giant red bow in the driveway with his name on the tag, Santa has screwed up once again.
What else does Santa have left to do? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment