I swear to God. The Chipmunks. Oh, those blasted Chipmunks. They are monsters. The Chippettes just as well, foul succubusses, sent from Hell to make human life miserable. The Chipmunks movies are abominations, cruel jokes on mankind. I recall earlier this year, noted human rights activist, and nobel prize winning author Lio Xiaobo referred to "Chipwrecked," the latest installment in the Chipmunk series of films as, "Perhaps an even greater threat to the continued existence of the human race than ever increasing wealth inequality, or the disappereance of all the world's bees." Clearly, then, I am not alone in despising the Chipmunks. But they keep coming, and coming. So it looks like action needs to be taken to stop them. I can no longer reman passive. This, then, is my ultimatum to Hollywood: if another Chipmunks movie is made, these are the things I will do:
Go On A Hunger Strike
If you release another Chipmunks movie Hollywood, if I so much as see a Chipmunk in a Doritos commercial, I won't eat until you unrelease the movie and issue a formal statement to the world apologizing. My blood will be on your hands.
I Will Keep Biting Donald Trump
Donald Trump hates being bitten by a stranger, he said so repeatedly in his autobiography. Don't make me do it, Chipmunks.
Give Jennifer Hudson The Best Actress Oscar Every Year
She didn't deserve it when she won for "Dream Girls," and she won't deserve it now, but countless better actresses will go unrewarded for their talent while Jennifer Hudson wins so many Oscars that eventually the huge stack will fall on her and kill her one night while she's vegging out on the couch watching "Dancing With The Stars." And yes, I have that kind of power.
Kill All Real Chipmunks
Everybody loves real chipmunks. Myself included. And I don't want to do it, but if you release another Chipmunks movie I'll have no choice. I'll kill one chipmunk every hour on the hour until you pull the new Chipmunks movie from the theater. And it won't be by traditional means, how I'll do it is I'll befriend each Chipmunk, then present a cynical world view so convincingly that they'll take their own lives. A chipmunk committing suicide every hour. That's the price of a new Chipmunk movie. Don't test me.
Be Really Mad About It And Stomp Around
RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! You watch! I'll be so mad! Don't you test me! Oh man, I get all stompy just thinking about it!
Release This Picture On The Internet
Yeah, take that, Alvin's reputation.
Wait Until It Comes Out On Netflix, And Then Watch It Ironically With My Friends
You just wait. I will make some seriously funny jabs at the movie from the comfort of my home with my friends. We'll get a couple six packs of Heineken and poke fun at the movie until we get bored about halfway through, and go get something to eat. MAYBE SOMETHING FROM THAT NEW VEGAN PLACE DOWN THE STREET, BECAUSE I HEAR IT HAS REALLY INTERESTING TASTING ICE CREAM. You think this is an empty threat? Go ahead, release another Chipmunk movie. Test me.
What will you do if another Chipmunk movie comes out? Let us know in the comments!
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