With the NFL season winding to a close I have been unable to find a new sport to get into for when spring comes. I started thinking about how tired I am with the sports scene in Amurrca. I’d love something new, like Slamball, but even more badass. So I decided to put together a list of my 10 favorite fake sports I wish were real sports.
10. QUIDDITCH
When I was in college my school created the first ever, collegiate Quidditch team. Yeah, it was “that” kind of school. It ended up just making a lot of people sad because they kept wishing they could fly. That’s the thing, when we develop human flight, hover brooms, miniature gold drones, we need to stop using them for military purposes and start using them to bring great sports to life.
9. HUNGER GAMES
Okay maybe it’s not the “ideal” future but man bringing gladiators back would be awesome! And who doesn’t want to claim they got lost in the woods with Jennifer Lawrence? The only thing that could make this better is if we did it in space. Or with adults. Or if they had super powers and costumes and crazy nicknames WAITAMINUTE…
8. MORTAL KOMBAT
Guys named Scorpion, dudes with Wolverine claws, people shouting “Get over here!” I wish life was always like Mortal Kombat. Plus if this were a real sport we could finally get rid of all that UFC crap.
7. FOOSBALL
So did you guys ever see that Grey’s Anatomy episode where the two people get a pole from the metro shoved through their bodies, binding them together? It would be like that but in teams. Also the goalie can’t use his hands so there would be more scoring. Take that soccer!
6. DODGEBALL
I know it’s real, but it needs to get organized. I want Sunday nights on NBC to become Dodgeball nights. With million dollar celebrities, Katy Perry half time shows, and John Madden commentating. Nothing says Amurrca like waiting till someone is defenseless then chucking a ball at their face.
5. POD RACING
Save the Jar-Jar Binks. I wanna see 6 year olds racing lizard people in a winner-take-all-loser-explodes death race. The only thing that could beat that would be…
4. MARIO KART
Real life Mario Kart. It can happen folks, Google has a car that can drive itself surely they can make one that shoots blue shells. The key is to coast in 3rd till the last lap and always hit that jump on Rainbow Road. Plus if we were doing it in real life you wouldn’t have to deal with that one asshole friend playing as Donkey Kong every time.
3. PUPPIES PLAYING SOCCER
Oh I’m sorry do we hate fun in this country? Do we hate smiles? Why don’t we have an institution completely devoted to cuteness? We have one devoted to “the economy.” Just imagine how much better your weekend would be if you and your friends drove down to Met Life stadium and didn’t have to watch the Jets play, but instead could watch puppy soccer! I mean the animals would probably pick up the game pretty quickly, they’re already better than Beckham.
2. BASEKETBALL
The message of this movie was awesome. Sports have become about overpaid athletes and television ratings. We need a game with integrity, with heart, with mandatory trash-talking. Plus as Amurrca gets fatter and fatter we’re going to need to come up with an alternative to running in basketball. Making everything as unathletic as baseball will become the norm.
1. BABIES CAGE FIGHTING WHILE WEARING HATS AND DRIVING FUNNY CARS
It’s Hunger Games meets puppy soccer meets Mario Kart and it’s perfect. It’s the ideal amalgamation of all things awesome and it needs to happen yesterday. Babies cage fighting while wearing hats and driving funny cars, or the BCFWWHDFC League, is the future of our people. The Greeks created soccer, the Native Americans took the next step with lacrosse, then finally, BCFWWHDFC. I think I’m gonna start a kickstarter for this you guys. I’ll see you at the top!
What fake sports do you wish were real sports? Let me know in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
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