Recently, a a study published by the British Journal of Cancer has found that eating bacon increases your risk of cancer. For every 50 grams of processed meat you eat, the study suggests, your risk of pancreatic cancer goes up 19 percent. This is bad news for the Internet, which hasn't been this angry since whatever it was angry about yesterday.
"These cat pictures are FAR from suitable!"
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So obviously, as a man with both a hearty appetite and a Reddit account, I found this news troubling. But I'm just finding out about this news now, after my third BBBBBLT of the day. What else might I be doing that could ultimately kill me? Doctor Paul Ewald, an evolutionary biologist from the University of California, Irvine suggests that kissing might cause cancer as well. When asked how we get infected with the pathogens that may cause Cancer, he said "Two of the most powerful examples are sexual transmission and kissing transmission, and by that I mean juicy kissing, not just a peck on the cheek."
"Sweetie, I love you, but I just feel like I'm making out with cancer."
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After a little Googling around, I found that damn near everything increases your risk for Cancer. No, like everything. We're talking cell phones, french fries, red meat, deodorant, wine, Facebook (Facebook!), soup, and chips. No word on whether that's the Lay's potato crisp chips or the 1977 motorcycle cop TV show CHiPs.
"We should probably be drinking more Vitamin C, Ponch."
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Just typing that list was exhausting. Can you imagine actually exhuming all that stuff from your life?
"My pantry is finally cancer-free."
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I'm not a fan of headlines that state some everyday-use product is going to kill us. They make people fearful for fear's sake. Listen, if you find out eating Cap'n Crunch cereal is causing people to spontaneously explode from the inside, then yes, get that information out there as soon as you can. But for something as intangible as a slight increase in the risk of getting cancer? I wonder if we should be worried about that. I mean, I'm just as concerned about my mortality as anyone, but maybe I can't control whether or not I get cancer. Maybe sometimes people just get cancer. And no matter how many headlines scream at us that there's something we can do to prevent it, I suspect that we, uh, can't. What I'm certain we can control is the way we use however much sweet cancer-free time we do have. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to smell nice, I'm going to eat a lot of soup, and I'm going to kiss, like, everybody. But mostly I'm just going to shovel bacon into my goddamn mouth every minute of every day.
F*ck off cancer. Go America!
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What do you think? Is this going to adversely affect your daily bacon intake? Let us know in the comments!
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