With the astounding success of the “Transformers” movies, the so-so success of the “G.I. Joe” movie and the ”Seriously, you think this is going to be a success?” of the upcoming “Battleship” movie, toys are the go-to plot device for screenwriters too busy figuring out what adventures Alvin and the Chipmunks could have in a Turkish prison to come up with any original ideas. Therefore it’s only a matter of time before the following classic playthings get their big shot on the big screen.
Cabbage Patch Kids
The mother of all invasions begins when baby/potato-face extraterrestrials come to earth to be adopted by unsuspecting little girls and raised within human society, ultimately taking over mankind from within. Alas, these “babies” didn’t realize the little girls would tire of them after a few years and dump them in a cardboard box in the attic, where they’ll spend all eternity slowly going mad and having long, loud arguments with the skinny peg people from “The Game of Life.”
Gobots
What if the “Transformers” movies had an $11 budget? Lacking the fan fervor, cool names or mythology of the other far more successful transforming robot line, Gobots even failed to capture much attention with their own 1980’s cartoon series. But all that can change with a low-budget, independent action film in which a small-town teenager helps his 28-year-old Subaru hatchback fight the evil GMC Caballero still on blocks, ending with an all-out battle that partially decimates a Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar.
Beanie Babies
In a world where bad environmental policies have led to the extinction of almost every animal species on the planet, a scientist creates a line of frogs, pigs, bears, lobsters and dolphins so adorable, so colorful, so fuzzy that no one in their right mind would ever want to do them any harm. Unfortunately, these creatures also lack any bone or muscle structure—much less natural instincts—and so can only sit there and create a horrifying scenario in which the planet quickly runs out of shelf, closet and shoebox space to store them all.
Tamagotchi
A movie that features all the pulse-pounding excitement of an episode of “24” before, well, the eventual “24” movie, “Tamagotchi” tells the story of a small boy who must constantly race against time and good sense to take care of a virtual pet by feeding it, disciplining it, playing with it, dictating its bedtime, toilet training it, taking it to violin practice, helping it study for the SATs, buying it cheaper store-brand versions of cereals which cause it to yell that it wants the actual cereal even though they taste exactly the same, and spending a fortune on lacrosse equipment only for it to give up in mid-season and spend most of its time playing “Saints Row: The Third.”
Furbies
In a plot borrowed/stolen from almost every science fiction film, a lab creates a new domestic robot that can be taught to understand and even speak English. The robot then starts communicating with other such robots and together they formulate a plan to be bought and then take over the world one family household and immature single adult’s apartment at a time. But just as they’re about to attack, the robots are sued by Warner Bros for looking exactly like Gizmo from “Gremlins.” The movie ends with an exciting 90-minute court case that winds up with a mistrial because everyone in the jury is too busy going “Awww” whenever the Furby speaks.
Legos
A cast of four million Lego Minifigs and 110 million bricks come together to show the siege of a castle…which suddenly becomes the launch of a rocketship…which turns into an underwater adventure…which winds up in Hogwarts and the Death Star at the same time but with ninjas, pirates and an airplane in a movie written and directed by an eight-year-old with severe ADD.
What toys would you like to see turned into a franchise? Let us know in the comments!
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