The PlayStation Vita was released in Japan late last month, and the sales have been, to put it mildly, disappointing. The PlayStation Vita has sold, like, five units, and those were to people who have a disease where their brains accidentally replace the phrase "can you tell me where the restroom is please" with "I'd like to purchase a PlayStation Vita". It was actually an inconsequential disease until this last December. Indeed, Japan hates the new handheld so much the entire nation has collectively agreed upon this list of things they hate even more than the Vita.
Disrespect of their culture
The Japanese are a culture that values honor above all and nothing highlights this more than this recently released statistic: The number of Sony executives who have in the past week committed the honorable and ritualistic form of suicide known as Seppuku is literally more than the number of PlayStation Vita units sold.
Godzilla attacks
To Japan, Godzilla attacs have become an annoying headache, like sitting in traffic is for Americans, unlike the PlayStation Vita, for which their vitriol knows no bounds.
Getting a shot at the doctors
If you grit your teeth and get a shot, eventually you get a lollipop. If you grit your teeth and get a PlayStation Vita, eventually you get a mediocre Uncharted.
Freddy Krueger in their dreams
Recently, dreams of playing a PlayStation Vita have become the number one source of terror in Japan. Now Japanese dreamers hope to see Freddy Krueger in their dreams, so as to guarantee they will never, ever wake up with a real-life PlayStation Vita in their beds! Or at all.
Racism
The most toxic of ideologies, racism devalues humanity by revealing its' ignorance and cruelty. And while this manner of thinking is vile and can harm society as a whole, it's important to remember that PlayStation Vita memory cards are really really expensive and that sucks.
That weird last season of Scrubs
This one isn't really fair to the PlayStation Vita, though. Japan historically loves awkward final seasons of shows where the main characters are replaced by hollow shadows of the characters.
Losing a loved one
There is a sharp loss of breath and silence falls over the world. It takes a moment, a long moment, for the realization to come: The universe, in its' wisdom, has taken the person you care about most. But that pain is so incredibly, beautifully human. Indeed, it is that very pain that bonds us to each other. To our friends. Our enemies. The broken man on the streets and the happy father of two. All of man has been hurt this way, and to know that you are not alone, that you've never been alone, is one of the most awe-inspiring and powerful moments we can hope to experience. Whereas playing the PlayStation Vita is like "eh, back touchscreen, whatever."
The PlayStation Vita can't be all bad! What feature are you most excited about? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment