Theme parties are a tricky concept. They can’t be too complicated or everyone will get frustrated and bored. They can’t be too weird or everyone will wonder when the host developed a diaper fetish. And they certainly cannot be one of the following…
Twilight Over 40 Party
There’s a time when it’s perfectly okay to wonder what it would be like to be Bella. Or to be a mysterious creature of the night. Or to fall in love against a titanic struggle between vampire and werewolf. That time is not in your forties, when dressing in Hot Topic clothes while listening to Muse to celebrate a teenage romance can only be made worse by having some kid watch their dad apply MAC blot powder to look more like Edward or watch their mom pretend to swoon over a middle-aged who, like Jacob, takes off his shirt only to reveal a hernia lump.
American Girl Intervention Party
There are American Girl birthday parties, American Girl tea parties, even American Girl makeover parties. So it only makes sense that eventually a group of girls will get together to sit around a single dolly and confront her about how she’s slowly destroying her life as well as theirs. Within minutes you’ll have a bunch of four-year-olds bawling about shattered dreams, screaming how they just can’t watch the doll flush her life away on pixie stix, and threatening to cut off all ties unless the doll agrees to get help at one of the many American Girl treatment centers located in a mall near you.
Multiple Homicide Murder Mystery Party
Everybody loves a good “Who Done It?”, especially when they get to play detective complete with costumes and intriguing background stories. But something gets lost when the room goes black and several shots are heard only for the lights to turn on to reveal 23 bodies slumped on tables, a forensics team drawing incomplete chalk outlines due to missing body parts, and the words “I’ll be back for the others” scrawled in blood on the wall and across the omelet bar station, leaving you to wonder what the hell kind of bridal shower is this.
Adult Pajama Party
When you’re a kid, staying in your pajamas all day is the ultimate act of rebellion. It’s like saying you won’t play by society’s rules, you won’t bathe, and you won’t stop until you make the ultimate impenetrable fortress out of sofa cushions and hastily removed curtains. But when you’re an adult, staying in your pajamas all day means you’re either very sick or hopelessly unemployed. And that’s why when you have a bunch of adults in pajamas in one place it starts to look less like a happy party and more like a severely understaffed retirement community with a lax policy when it comes to alcohol and fornicating in the bathroom.
Come Dressed as a Friend Party
Imagine a costume party in which you dress up not as a character but as your best friend, girlfriend or next-door neighbor. Now imagine your best friend, girlfriend or next-door neighbor’s reaction when they see just how big you think their nose it, how horrible you think their taste in clothes is or just how insanely high, whiny or Brooklyn you think their voice is. Now imagine when they return the favor by going as you, only for you to find out that not only CAN everyone hear how often you pass gas in public but also apparently you have six extra bald spots were completely unaware of. Now imagine everyone at the party cursing and sobbing.
Single Party
Please note that I did not say “Singles Party.” I said “Single Party.” As in just you. Making appetizers and setting out an assortment of cheeses just for you. Pouring glass after glass of wine just for you. Dancing with no one else. Laughing at jokes that no one has told. Getting into a heated political discussion with someone who isn’t there. Taking off your pants for nobody. And saying goodnight to all your guests as your neighbors wonder why you’re standing at your door, pantsless, waving to absolutely no one.
What are some other party themes you should avoid? Let us know in the comments!
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