It may not come out for another year at the earliest and it may not even be called “720.” But if the new Xbox is to compete with future eighth-generation consoles, Microsoft should start programming the following features in it right now…
Relationship Siri
Thanks to the success of Apple’s Siri, talking software assistants will soon be mandatory on all video game consoles. That’s why the Xbox 720 must take it up the notch with a version that forms a true bond between gamer and machine, providing all the romantic relationship steps from initial excitement (“You like Assassin’s Creed? I like Assassin’s Creed! You and I just get each other!”) to familiarity (“Sure, we can play the same game yet again”) to constant arguing (“Press the X button! The X button! GOD! It’s like talking to a brick wall with you!”) to break-up (“You can stare at the TV screen all you want, I’m still not turning myself on.”) and finally to moving on (“I contacted your friend Jim over Xbox Live to come get me”).
Futurecast
Any multimedia platform can tell you the latest in news, sports, and entertainment. That’s why the Xbox 720 has to get a jump ahead on the competition by literally getting a jump on time itself. Therefore while you play you can also get future updates on big news events years before anyone else, helping you prepare for such eventual headlines as “Are Children Growing up Too Fast Due to Time-Advance Rays?” “Political Parties Court Fast-Growing Zombie Vote” and “New Artificially Intelligent Car Scares the Crap out of Humanity.”
Stream Your Dreams
By the time Xbox 720 is unveiled movie and music streaming over gaming consoles will be as innovative and exciting as Pong. But with the “Dream Streamer” the console will give people a clear idea of exactly what kind of sick, twisted, shocking visuals run through their minds while they sleep. And while offering people a chance to watch their true inner selves in action may result in a tremendous spike in mental breakdowns or at least psychiatrist appointments, it will at least stop people from asking themselves “I wonder what it would look like if I did it with a robot.”
Play ALL Games
Rumor is the Xbox 720 might lockout used or pre-owned games, a move that would only alienate players. Instead, the upcoming 720 should allow people to play EVERY game, not only for the Xbox but also Playstation, Wii, GameCube, Genesis, Dreamcast, Saturn, TurboGrafx, NES, Colecovision, Vectrex, Intellivision and Atari (not to mention every console you’re now saying was left off that list). In addition, it should also play all board games, all word games, all party games including charades and “draw a penis on the passed-out drunk guy’s face” and even all outdoor activity games, so you can hide behind a tree only for a game console to suddenly scream “FOUND YOU!” in an all-too-menacing tone.
Laugh at Your Jokes
Sometimes we just need a little confidence boost or a friend at the ready. That’s why the Xbox 720 should always be there to break into wild guffaws whenever you tell a joke that just dies at your apartment party, brag about you non-stop to the person you’re trying to hit on at a bar, and even exclaim “He so totally did!” whenever you lie about an achievement, even during a job interview. It should also regularly compliment you on your looks, announce it’s only a matter of time before you become extremely wealthy, and say “That happens to everyone” even when you somehow manage to step accidentally on your own hand.
Purchase Its Own Replacement
As bittersweet as it might be to wake up to a letter from your outdated Xbox 720 that reads, “Please enjoy your new Xbox 1080. I’ll now go collect dust in your closet next to your Xbox 360, original Xbox, and the adult’s-only “X” console,” it would save you several hundred dollars and an all-out store fistfight with someone’s grandma over the console come Black Friday.
What else do you want your Xbox 720 to be able to do?
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