It seems like they're always taking movies and making them into musicals, because you know apparently people are incapable of coming up with original content anymore.Riiiight. So we get a bunch of musicals based on popular movies. Some have been successful like The Lion King and Hairspray. Some not so much-The Wedding Singer or the total colossal bomb Spiderman. Here's a look at 7 movies that should never be turned into musicals. Because it would be very, very wrong.
The Human Centipede
Logistically this would be difficult to pull off. I mean at least two members of your main cast will be physically incapable of singing. Another problem is the subject matter. I mean there's just no way to make a love ballad between the front section and the middle section of the centipede seem romantic. Garbling out lyrics like "you're the only one a want pooping in my mouth' ...okay I'm seriously about to vomit. I think you get my point. Moving on!
Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close
There's just something about barn-burning musical ho-downs and 9/11 that don't seem to go together. Call me crazy.
Precious
People looking for an evening of magical theater are probably gonna pass on a one that involves songs about rape, incest, teen pregnancy and AIDS. Seriously, Precious is like 18 Lifetime movies rolled into one. Although I'm fully on board with a Precious/Lord of the Rings mash-up sequel. Based purely on that one Gollum joke.
Orphan
It would pretty disturbing to see a child actor break for a tap solo in the midst of beating a nun to death with a hammer. Even more disturbing? Seeing a child actor do a sexy burlesque number while she tries to seduce her adoptive father. Pedobear is probably trying to secure financing for this production as we speak.
Pineapple Express
It would be wrong to trivialize the dangers of drug use with flashy musical numbers. Add to that a spectacular set and trippy lighting design, I mean this musical would only make the use of marijuana more enticing than it already is..supposedly. And seriously? Who wants to sit in a theater full of paranoid people constantly opening loud crumply wrappers because they have the munchies. That whole theater would probably stink of Hot Pockets.
Inglourious Basterds
Sure a Nazi musical worked in The Producers, but that's because they left out all the trauma and gore. I don't care how amazing the choreography is, no one wants to see Donny 'The Bear Jew' Donowitz beating a Nazi with a baseball bat, turned into a charming pas de deux.
Saw
I don't know about you but I would spend the whole show worrying about one of the actors slipping on a puzzle-shaped piece of flesh or a coagulated frontal lobe tumor as they dance-ran for their lives. Although I do think a Jigsaw ballad about being a misunderstood maniac would KILL! Insert rimshot and groans!
What are some movies you think would make an inappropriate musical? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
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