Valentine's Day. A day for lonely singles everywhere to feel like they're being kicked in the gut all day by other people's joy. But don't waste your day pathetically sobbing into a pint of Schweddy Balls! There are many of reasons it's AWESOME to be single on Valentine's Day! Here's just a few...
No Gift Stress
Do you really need someone judging the cheap and impersonal red and pink heart-shaped crap you bought them? "No, Walgreen's does not issue gift receipts, you ungrateful twerp!" It's pretty hard on the receiving end as well. You have no idea how humiliating it is to accept a beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered to your office, only to find out they weren't for you. Then you have to snot-cry all day in the break room, stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror while chanting positive self-affirmations, and eventually quit your job to save face. And looking for a job in this economy is very stressful.
You Can Eat Dinner At A Normal Time
Every restaurant is completely booked on Valentine's Day. The only options are Linner and Midnight snack. When you're single you can just hit up Taco Bell, where you don't even have to make a reservation and they have cheesy gorditas crunch-style. Plus, dinner dates are all kinds of awkward--figuring out who's paying, deciphering the expectations of a guy who went all out at Olive Garden...ugh. The only thing awkward about a date with yourself at Taco Bell is when you have a mini-meltdown upon finding out that they're out of the Dorito-flavored shells, which puts a slight damper on your V-Day hard-shell taco feast.
You Don't Have To Pretend You Care
If you're half of a couple, you must spend all of Valentine's Day pretending how grateful and in love you are. It's so phony! If you're single you just have to pretend you don't care about Valentine's Day. It's much easier to fake a passive lie than an active one.
You Don't Have To 'Clean Up'
YAY! No shaving, grooming or wearing uncomfortable fancy clothes. My cat loves me just the way I am. He loves to groom my leg hair while we watch a Downton Abbey marathon...no boyfriend in the world is that generous and accepting.
Save Dough
Flowers, dinners and candies are expensive! Take all that dough you saved and buy some discount Valentine's candy tomorrow! It is scientific fact that candy makes you feel better. It also help insulate your feelings in a protective layer of fat. So no one can ever break your heart again... EVER!
You Can Have Fun Ruining Everyone Else's Happiness
Arm yourself with facts about how Valentine's Day is nothing but crass commercialism at it's worst. Then spend the rest of your time online shopping for items you don't need, but that you are hoping might fill the void in your life. You're single. There's no one around to call you on the hypocrisy of your anti-materialism Valentine's Day tirade.
Plenty Of Time To Reflect On Why You're Forever Alone
What better day than Valentine's day to reflect on all you do wrong in the romance department? Not that you care. Cause you don't. Still, it might be nice to one day have a Valentine who isn't your Nana, your pet or a life-sized doll you bought to hold at night. Just so you can know for sure how stupid everyone really is. Be mine? Anyone?
What are some other reasons it's awesome to be alone on Valentine's Day? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Comments
Post a Comment