Toadstools are the proletariat of the Mushroom Kingdom. They live to serve. So what is a typical day filled with for those who live under the jovial-looking but ever present shadow of Mario?
4:30am Wakeup
Mario's pipes need to be polished, and princesses's dressed need to be fluffed. Any unfluffed dresses are ground for a very severe lashing, with the severity of the lashing determined by the level of lack of puff in the dress.
Breakfast Of Scraps
Whatever Mario, Luigi, and the Princess don't finish is given to the Toadstools. Often there are bloody fights among the Toadstools for who gets to suck the marrow from the koopa bones, as there is so little leftover to go around.
The Pledge Of Mushroom Allegience
All Toadstools are made to stand in endless lines across the Kingdom and recite the Pledge of Allegience to the Mushroom Kingdom ad naseum until the Princess is satisfied, which can take hours. Any Toadstool who is found to be reciting the pledge without the proper enthusiasm is hammered to death by the hammer brothers, turned into stardust, and fed to the Princess who then slurps their essences down greedily by the bucketful.
Procreation At Gun Point
The lifespan of a Toadstool is very short, and Toadstools have neither the time nor inclination to love make on account of the harsh conditions under which they toil. And more workers are constantly needed, so Toadstools must be forced at gunpoint to mate and produce children.
Cleansing Of The Yoshi Stables
Yoshis can produce their own body weight in feces over the course of a single day, and the smell is so noxious in the stables that it's a rare day when a Toadstool worker doesn't suffocate, an autopsy of his body revealing a thick pall of Yoshi scat covering the insides of his lungs.
The Taping Of The Hands
Toadstools spend their existence shivering in darkness silently begging to die, but they are needed as workers for the mushroom kingdom, so their hands are taped up with soft materials that way they can't explain this mortal coil by beating themselves to death.
Gentle Slumber
At 4:00 in the morning they are released from their duties to a bed made out of scrap metal, garbage, and rancid Goomba meat. Then 25 minutes later the Mushroom Kingdom morning bell sounds and it's off to work again!
What other things happen during an average Toadstool day? Let us know in the comments!
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