America, you know I love you baby. You make hot dogs and colors that don't run and rock formations with old white men faces better than any other country in this world. But sometimes, baby, you just confuse the sh*t out of me. Like how come you gotta get yourself a a bucket of coffee?
Your body might literally become coffee.
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But over the weekend, America, you did something that I just can't wrap my brain around. You guys went and spent enough money on the 3D re-release of Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace to push it past A New Hope and make it the number one domestic grossing Star Wars film of the series. And... it's like... how? How come you did that? We've been through this Episode One business before. It made you sad.
Am I the only one who remembers 1999?
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Granted, this is only in total domestic dollars, meaning that when adjusted for inflation, A New Hope is still ahead. But the fact that Episode One has any record over A New Hope makes me angry. Like, I'm even a little upset that Episode One is longer than A New Hope.
In fairness, there was literally six and a half hours of pod racing.
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It's easy to get riled up about Episode One again because it could have been so good. For me, though, it helps to know that Empire Strikes Back is still there and it's still great. Remember, by putting that in the DVD player and staying home from the theater, you can watch a movie that isn't boring...
"Let's figure out these taxes."
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... racist ...
"Hey, you wanna come anda eata the pizza anda commita the crimes with me?"
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... or filled with arbitrary Amidalas.
"Did we ever figure out why there are so many of me?"
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Did you see the Episode One re-release this weekend? And if so, what disappointed you most? Let us know in the comments below!
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