If you can’t walk by a nipple-less mermaid without asking yourself if you want a caffeinated beverage, Starbucks won. Which is fine; coffee makes us more productive and nice to people! But as with any addiction, the negative side effects of Starbucking can go unnoticed, accumulating until you are living on the streets… or at least twitchy and irritable all the time. To provide your brain with some negative associations so you can make a less visceral, more informed decision when you enter that coffee shop, here are some things to be anxious about in a Starbucks.
If You Have Time For The Line
If you decided to get coffee, chances are you wanted to be alert for something happening in the near future. A meeting? A date? Caffeine enables you to do life like a champion, but the line to get it can be prohibitively long. Do you have time? How many people are working the counter? Would it help if you just got black coffee? But if you’re waiting this long… Maybe you should leave. Nah, you’re here already… You’ll just have to RUN out of here once you get your… scalding hot coffee.
If You Know The Proper Terminology
It’s not just baristas who care about how you order… no one in the line wants to hear you go through the whole thing when there are specific words designed to make this process more efficient. So you find yourself just ordering the same thing every time-- the one you know how to say. Or if you do branch out, you’re not going to try to describe what you want in layman’s terms, you’re going to start saying words you remember other people saying at some point. And this is how we end up with some frothy crap that tastes like peppermint paper.
If You Should Be Drinking This
Seriously, what time is it? You had trouble sleeping last night because you had coffee too late in the day. And didn’t you say you were going to cut down your caloric intake? But that picture of that holiday-appropriate frothy crap looks like it will fill that void in your soul. What would the mature decision be? Not the one you’re going to make, apparently.
If You Have The Money For This
You don’t. You JUST looked at your bank account and made the decision to save up for that credit card bill. Oh, but what’s three dollars? (Every day for a year = over $1000. You could have gone with the more expensive apartment.)
Condiment Bar Etiquette
Okay, if someone is ahead of you at the condiment bar, do you wait ‘til they are finished sprinkling their drink, or are you free to move in for the sugar packets once they’ve reached the stirring stage? How do you warn them that they’ll spill coffee on you if they take one step back, without offending their pride in their spatial awareness? How do you not get sugar all over the place? This and other social awkwardness courtesy of the condiment bar. You will find yourself apologizing for something.
If It Will Spill
It will. You should just start buying light-brown spotted clothes.
Where You Are Going To Sit
Shoot. You should have looked around before you ordered. The shop is completely full. And now you’re holding a Starbucks cup; it’s too late to walk into the Coffee Bean across the street for fear of being branded a tacky traitor. Guess you could hover by that guy who’s playing with his laptop cord. But… where should you hover? Too close and you’re invading his personal space. Too far and you run the risk of someone else swooping in when he gets up. Maybe you could ask this person to share the table? No. You’d rather die.
The Bathroom Code
Is it cool to budge the line to ask for the bathroom code? Will they realize they’ve already given it to you once before in this same hour? Should you really be waiting by the door when your table is a few feet away? Yes, because otherwise you haven’t claimed your spot in the line. Now you’ve spent too much time thinking on a bladder full of coffee. Whoops. (Just tell them you spilled your latte.)
What else about the Starbucks Experience makes you anxious? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment