Taylor Lautner is best known for his wisdom, his objectivity, and his brilliant understanding of what makes a movie great. Taylor won his first Oscar in 1973 for having single-handedly written, produced, directed, scored, and starred in "The Godfather," the classic Taylor Lautner film about rollerblade gangs who compete for turf in an eerily prescient future version of San Francisco. Since then Taylor has made a number of films that have garnered rave reviews for their brave social commentary, including "Twilight," "Twilight: Breaking Dawn," and "Twilight 3D: Here Come Da Booty." With such a storied history of competence and success under his belt, it naturally begs the question, what films would win Oscars this year if the keen eye of Taylor Lautner was given carte blanche in choosing them?
Best Sound Editing
"Abduction," the little known independent movie about a young man who sees a missing persons photo of himself as a baby on a milk carton and decides to discover his past would take home this award hands down. The sound editing on the film was incredible, from the large booming nervous drums when Taylor first sees hiimself as a baby on a milk cartoon, to the gunshot noises when he is shooting guns, this movie does both those things.
Best Cinematography
"Abduction," once again takes home the award here. Taylor's keen eye is dead on here, "Abduction's" sweeping vistas and panoramic shots of such things as Taylor Lautner getting up in the morning while not wearing a shirt, and having his shirt shot off of him in a gun fight so that he has to land on a bad guy and kill him with his abs, are so far beyond breathtaking that it would have been insane not to award the film.
Best Actor
It's a close race, but ultimately Taylor Lautner wins this award, barely squeeking by the four other contenders who are also Taylor Lautner. The performance for which he wins the award? His searing portrayal of "Taylor" in the now classic film, "Abduction."
Best Supporting Actor
This one goes to Taylor Lautner, for his command performace filling in the role of "Dr. Taylor" the mentor who guides the main character, "Taylor" on his quest to find out who he really is in the now classic film "Abduction."
Bonus Taylor Fan Trivia: Did you know that Taylor Lautner was recently appointed head of the EPA in the fictional version of the United States that Taylor Lautner sits at home thinking about on rainy days?
Best Supporting Actress
Though many might think that Taylor Lautner taking home the best supporting actress Oscar is something of an upset, there is one person that knows it's the right decision: Taylor Lautner. And as Taylor Lautner always says, "Help Mom! I fell in the toilet again!"
Best Picture
People might think that if Taylor Lautner were in charge of all the voting at the Academy that "Abduction," would take home the Oscar. People are right.
Best Taylor Lautner Performance
Meryl Streep would take home the Oscar here, for her haunting "Tayloresque" portrayal of Taylor Lautner in the now classic, "The Trials Of Taylor Lautner," the docu-drama which seeks to understand why Taylor Lautner, then Secretary of State, approved the use of Agent Orange against the population of Vietnam during our history's most overt and reviled imperialist effort in the early 1970's.
What other films might win the Oscar if Taylor Lautner was in charge of voting? Let us know in the comments!
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