Poor cereal mascots. Their jobs are the hardest man. They have to stand still in front of giant bowls of cereal all day looking excited. By the time most cereal mascots are forty they have severe arthritis from having to hold up giant spoons, and permanent jaw injuries from being required to smile for sometimes up to 17 hours a day. With work as taxing as it is on Cereal Mascots what do they do with their time off?
Tony The Tiger: Stalk And Kill Prey
There's nothing Tony the Tiger loves more than that first spray of blood as his claws penetrate and then tear through skin and muscle, the lust for the kill rushing through his veins as he inticipates landing hard on the brittle, now spurting, body of his prey, the impact turning bone into dust.
Snap, Crackle, And Pop: Furries
They're furries. What they do to each other's little bodies in those costumes... the stink of sex and wet costume fur filling the room... It's just so... Oh the sight of it is one thing, but the smell...
Lucky The Leprechaun: Teach At The Learning Annex
Lucky spends his nights teaching "How To Succeed In Business" classes at the Learning Annex adult vocational school to earn extra money to pay child support to his many illegitimately conceived bastard children, whom he fathered during his extraordinarily reckless 20's.
The Trix Rabbit: Sit Alone
The Trix Rabbit served in the Vietnam War before he landed his mascot job at General Mills, so when he gets off work he walks down the street to a local dive bar, orders a gin and tonic, hold the tonic, sits in the corner, and slowly sips the gin until the sun comes up, thinking all the while about the things he saw that he can never unsee.
Toucan Sam: Flies Around Sh*tting On People's Heads
He's a bird. That's what birds do.
Cap N' Crunch: Search For The White Whale
Years ago a white whale bit off Cap N' Crunch's foreskin in a fierce sea battle. Ever since then Cap N' Crunch has spent all his free time out alone on the stormy sea with a single rusted harpoon thirsting to take revenge on the whale that took his unecessary penile skin.
Sunny, The Raisin Bran Sun: Burning Stray Cats
Sunny, a dwarf sun employed by Raisin Bran to pretend to like cereal, has no friends because he is a sun and the heat that emanates off of him instantly immolates those who come close to him. He's turned his lonely bitterness inward and spends his days trundling around the city cruelly laughing as he burns any cats that cross his path.
What else do cereal mascots do when they're off of work? Let us know in the comments!
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