Every year, girl scouts go tirelessly from door to door selling delicious cookies. And everyone buys some because what are you, a goon? People love Girl Scout cookies. But do you ever wonder where all that cash goes? After a little digging, I believe I've found the answers.
Finally provide every Girl Scout a copy of Portal 2
To really illustrate how important cookies are to the Girl Scouts' ability to provide basic necessities to its' troops, did you know that as of January only 1/3 of the Girl Scouts had a copy of Portal 2? That game came out last April.
Buy fine-ass gourmet cookies
Should we really be forced to eat these wretched Do-Si-Dos while the Girl Scouts themselves get to eat from the decadent Mrs. Fields? Comrades, we must rise up against the ruling cookie class! It is either Samoas for all or Samoas for none!
Muscle Milk
When it comes to Troop snack time, the girl Scouts aren't going to waste their time with no sister sally 2%. This isn't the Boy Scouts where you just read picture books about ducks and cry, all right? The Girl Scouts play for KEEPS.
Try to kill James Bond
Every dollar you spend on Tagalongs goes towards a laser that will be aimed at his genitals.
Donate to Mitt Romney's SuperPAC
When he was Governor of Massachussets, Mitt Romney supported a Samoas-For-All program that was wildly popular. Of course, now he says that Samoas work only for the state and not necessarily the nation but that's a seperate issue. The point is Girl Scouts spend a lot of money donating to pro-Romney political action committees because if Romney doesn't win big on Super Tuesday, his hopes of being the Republican Presidential nominee will end up along side all the unsold boxes of Savannah Smiles — right in the trash.
Rent a Moon Bounce for a weekend
While this certainly seems like a fun reward for the girls after working so hard selling cookies, it should be known that the weekend before they rent the moon bounce there is a Hunger Games and only the sole survivor is allowed inside to jump.
Give it to Baby Puppy Charities
I should mention that everything previously mentioned on this list account for .02 percent of the Girl Scout's total cookie revenue. The other 99.98 percent goes to charities that give baby puppies life-saving medicines, teensy tiny kisses, and pink satin ribbons to put in their ears. Do you feel bad now that you only ordered two boxes of Thin Mints? Still think that was the right call? You don't want to order too much, you say? Listen, they won't go stale you PEICE OF HUMAN GARBAGE JUST PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER THEY'RE EVEN BETTER THAT WAY.
What would you do if you had access to all that Girl Scout cookie dough? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out What Your Favorite Girl Scout Cookie Says About You!
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