Hey have ya heard? Star Wars: Episode 1-The Phantom Menace is being re-released in 3D this weekend! I know, right? At long last two suck-ass things finally together in one boring, nauseating and over-priced combination! So in honor of this unnecessary re-release, lets take a completely necessary look at what your favorite Star Wars character says about you! Shall we?
Lando Calrissian
If Lando is your fave it's probably because you wanna be him. Dripping with charisma and charm, he's a real lady killer. A lovable scoundrel. Yeah, he's a little shady sometimes, but in the end a true friend. If swagger and porn 'staches are your thing...Lando brings the bling to Cloud City. I'd make a rebel alliance with him anyday!
Obi Wan Kenobi
Picking Obi-Wan as your favorite shows that you are completely unoriginal and like to play it safe. Everyone loves Obi-Wan!! Why don't you pick Emperor Palpatine instead? That'll get a vigorous debate going!
Angry Tusken Raider
A total rebel, but not in the “rebelling from the evil of the empire” way, but the “screw your rules, I’ma gonna move to the desert with my friends and camp and shoot and steal things.” Your happiest moment was the time you blew up that dead deer in the woods with fireworks.
Han Solo (Pre-Special Edition Star Wars)
You think of yourself as the ultimate charming badass. You’ll bang your best friends sister and get away with it, because you are just that cool. You know Han Solo is awesome in the first Star Wars movie, where he subtly unholsters his weapon and gives Greedo the ole’ blaster to the face before Greedo gets a chance to shoot. Han Solo doesn’t wait to be attacked, fool.
Greedo (Post-Special Edition Star Wars)
You think of yourself as the ultimate charming badass even though you can’t shoot a target 3 feet away. You know Greedo is awesome in the first Star Wars movie, where he subtly tries to give Han Solo the ole’ blaster to the face before Han gets a chance to shoot. Greedo doesn’t wait to be attacked, fool. ( I know Greedo is a professional space bounty hunter, so it’s SO WEIRD that he can’t hit Han Solo who is only feet away from him.)
Anakin Skywalker
If you're a fan of Anakin Skywalker then you are probably someone who is constantly disappointed by everyone in your life and really don't think you deserve a better character. Of all things George Lucas has taken dumps on, his utter failure at delivering an awesome backstory and portrayal of pre-Darth Vader Anakin is his biggest WTF. DO NOT WANT!
Boba Fett
You like the “badass” parts of Han Solo’s personality, but don’t have time for the “good guy” aspects that hold him back. You either own a motorcycle, or plan on getting one. You are determined, confident, and there’s no way you are a vegan. You should avoid large pits.
IG88
You are a machine who wants droids to rise up and kill all the “biologicals.” I don’t know what you are doing reading a blog right now.
Princess Leia
How can you not love a woman who has the cajones to sass Darth Vader? Cool chicks love her cause they wanna be like her. I mean come on, only a true badass can rock the cinnabun look. Guys who love Princess Leia show that they have an appreciation for fierce, independent women and in no way feel that their masculinity is threatened by such a girl. Or they just still have a soft spot for their 'first'.
Salacious Crumb
The ultimate troll, you are an annoying creep. You probably post “FIRST” or “FAKE” on YouTube videos.
Jabba The Hut
Lovers of Jabba the Hut are lovers of excess. They love to binge on food and drink, they spend endless hours gaming and they have an appreciation of lovely ladies who find them repulsive. Jabba is straight-up pimp. Unfortunately his fans are not. Looking like Jabba and calling your mom's basement the rancor pit will never get you your own slave-girl Leia. By any legal means I should clarify.
Jar Jar Binks
Loving Jar Jar Binks means you have horrible taste. You probably think Nickelback is the modern-day Beatles. Or you're George Lucas, who seems like he just constantly wants to piss people off for some reason. IT'S WORKING!
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