10 Wackiest Bacon Products

Desi Jedeikin

I love me some bacon. I'm even down with the bacon maple-glazed doughnuts. Like I'm seriously down with those. I invented them in a dream I had 3 years before they came out. But even a cured pork belly fiend like myself, might have to pass on these bacon-themed products. 

 

Bandages

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The last thing I want covering my gaping wounds is something that looks like raw flesh. Especially flesh that I want to sizzle up and make delicious BLTs with. I don't wanna look at my arm and think 'Mmmm. Lunch!" That could get weird one day.

 

Air Freshener

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I already invented this. It's called eating a bacon cheeseburger in your car on a weekly basis and never throwing out the wrappers. This is probably better though,  because it doesn't encourage ant infestations. 

 

Diet Coke With Bacon

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This was actually never released on a large scale. It's probably a good thing. It has a definite 'decline of Western Civilization' vibe to it.

 

Toothpaste

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There is no such thing as having 'bacony fresh' breath.  Your choices are mint and maybe cinnamon. Bubble gum is out too. Unless you're still in pre-school.

 

Soap

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The only time I want some guy smelling like he may have lathered up with a bar of bacon, is if he just made me a Homemade bacon McGriddle. Where is this dream guy hiding??

 

Toothpicks And Dispenser

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These just seem annoying. Like it would give you the feeling that you have bacon stuck in your teeth, without that glorious moment of an extra crumble of real bacon breaking free for you to savor. Bacon flavor is a tease.

 

Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes

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These might be the only thing to get me back on the 'snail mail' train. Nah. I'd rather just send an e-mail and use the time I would've spent composing a hand-written note,  experimenting by wrapping various food things in bacon.

 

Tuxedo

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This is a gag gift with nothing in the box. WRONG! This ranks high on the list of 'Great Bacon Disappointments Of All Time', right up there with realizing someone has tried to pass off veggie bacon as the real thing. Fakin' bacon is NEVER acceptable.

 

Air

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My cousin is the human equivalent of this can of bacon air. And let me just say...the smell of bacon is not so pleasant coming out of his can. Would this can be any different?

 

Massage Oil

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There are sick, sick people in this world. How dare they soil bacon's fine name.

Would you buy any of these products? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

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