Cartoon Network announced yesterday a new CGI animated Batman show entitled Beware The Batman. Besides having the most badass title of all time, this show is exciting because it will be another new iteration of Batman. If we take Jet Li's film "The One" as fact (and if we are to continue as a society, we must), then we know this is one more Batman for The One Batman to defeat if he is to become the strongest Batman of all universes. But which Batman is The One Batman? Here are my top 6 guesses!
6. Batman of Zurr-En-Arrh
When Bruce Wayne's psyche broke, this version of Batman stepped in to handle his business. This is Batman unhinged—Batman without Bruce Wayne to keep him in check. He wears bright colors because he doesn't care about hiding anymore. He just strolls up to bad guys and murders them without a thought. It's easy to imagine this version of Batman going crazy, just drop-kicking baby bears to fight their mommas, eating whole pizzas without cutting them, and ripping a phone book in half and posting pictures of it on the internet.
5. 1960s Batman
As the complete opposite of Zurr-En-Arrh Batman, this Batman was just a big bag of fun. His cases were enjoyable because they weren't ever scary—it was all about Penguin trying to steal a jeweled bird-jewel or The Riddler eating more than his fair share of the boysenberry pie!
4. Vampire Batman
Some Elseworld Batmans are ridiculous, like when Batman was steam-punk or went back in time to meet The Flintstones. But this Elseworlds Batman, where he needed to drink human blood to stay alive, made Batman's "no killing" clause that much more interesting. Plus, Batman made out with Kristen Stewart. I'm assuming.
3. Old Grizzled Batman
One of the most nut-punchingly awesome versions of Batman is the older, crankier Batman he becomes late in his career. Seemingly, this is a Batman we're going to see more of in The Dark Knight Rises, as it's fascinating to watch Batman figure out what he's going to d when he can no longer continue his physical fight with Gotham's underworld. Also, it seems like the older Batman gets, the less patience he has for Superman and his stupid crybaby bullsh*t.
2. Russian Batman
This is the only Batman I know of who is willing to go outside of himself to make the world better. In the Elseworlds tale "Superman: Red Son", we see a Batman born in Soviet Russia, whose parents are gunned down by Stalin's forces. Batman would later join with Lexcorp and even his parents' killers, two notions the canonical Batman would abhor, to end Superman's iron grip on Mother Russia. Finally, when Superman defeats him, Russian Batman commits suicide by way of explosion to avoid being captured. And while it's an interesting story, I'm just now remembering how dark it is. I'm actually pretty upset thinking about Batman selling his soul and blowing himself up. I'm gonna go curl up with a blanket and a slice of boysenberry pie.
1. Animated Series Batman
Ahh, here we go. This Batman is less nightmare-inducing. In the early 90s, Batman: The Animated Series was and is the cream of the Batman crop—not so horrifyingly scarred psychologically that he isn't relatable (see Frank Miller's "I'm the goddamn BATMAN"), but also not so clown-y goofy that he has to make a pun every time he catches a villain ("Looks like your plan didn't work TWO well, Harvey"), the Batman of Batman: The Animated Series was the best of both worlds. It is the universal, objective truth that this is the best Batman, despite the fact that achieving universal, objective truth is literally impossible. So long, age-old philosophical construct of subjectivism! You've been a real goddamn headache.
Which Batman is your Batman? Let us know in the comments below!
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