Every action movie seems to involve a hero facing countless obstacles, getting into numerous fights, and being portrayed by an actor well into his 60’s who really should have moved on to prestige films or maybe plays by now. But in truth there are many different types of action movie genres, all with their own defining features, dialogue, and budget fiascos…
Action Comedy Movie
Outstanding Feature: Two cops who couldn’t be more mismatched because of their attitudes, age or the fact that only one of them has been on “SNL” shoot, explode and permanently damage a city’s infrastructure on their way to grudging respect.
Usual Dialogue: “You two a**-dragging, scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, chromosome-dangling sons-of-b****** are the most worthless, helpless, useless, d***less cops I have ever seen in my 142 years on the force! But damn if you guys didn’t stop those mercenaries from blowing up the Orphans Day Parade!”
Disaster Movie
Outstanding Feature: The prophecy was correct and the Earth will implode. Or that “crazy” scientist was correct and the Martians have been building an army on Venus. Or that episode of “Shark Week” was correct and the Great Whites now know how to calibrate and fire high-powered weaponry.
Usual Dialogue: “We only have enough room on the rocket ship for the best and brightest…But make sure they’re the good-looking best and brightest. You know, skew models and actors’ IQs accordingly. Oh, and we can always make more kids so focus on saving the kittens instead.”
Trapped-in-One-Place Movie
Outstanding Feature: Several people trapped in a building/plane/Disney cruise are attacked by terrorists/poisonous creatures/Disney characters and it’s up to one discredited ex-cop/ex-marine/ex-California Adventure employee to save the day with the help of a fellow cop/attractive woman/Sebastian from “The Little Mermaid”
Usual Dialogue: “Hide where?! It’s a studio apartment!”
Sci-Fi Action Movie
Outstanding Feature: Sigourney Weaver, Will Smith or little people trapped inside robots or hot glued with carpet samples to look like alien teddy bears.
Usual Dialogue: “We always thought the enemy was out there. But it turns out the real enemy is inside each and every one of us…thanks to Jenkins accidentally serving us the monster’s f****** eggs for breakfast!!!”
Superhero Movie
Outstanding Feature: All the beloved superhero characters from comic books are turned into movie franchises. Then all the lesser-known superhero characters fail to turn into movie franchises. Then Kevin James appears in a movie based on a one-off superhero comic book handed out at dentists’ offices.
Usual Dialogue: “I can’t help a city that doesn’t want to be saved. But I can help a small town that wants to stop its graffiti problem.”
Chase Movie
Outstanding Feature: A loner will deliver anything from Point A to Point B (usually by way of Point Z), no questions asked. Then he asks a question. Then it’s three movies later and he still won’t shut the hell up.
Usual Dialogue: “How the hell was I supposed to know that the President’s daughter is a cyborg?! And that you’re the President’s daughter?! And that you’re prime directive is to kill the President?! All it said on the note was “Take her to soccer practice”!
Martial Arts Movie
Outstanding Feature: Loner enters town seeking either revenge or a place to rest his weary head. Everybody kills everybody else. Loner leaves town.
Usual Dialogue: Ten minutes of silent, meaningful stares followed by “It’s you!”
What's your favorite type of action film? Let us know in the comments!
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