Facebook pokes are a binary thing — you're either being poked or you're not. But it's so hard to tell what said poke means! Is it the kind of poke you forget the next morning or the kind of poke you'll tell the grandkids about when they ask how you met Nana? Let's get you one step closer to understanding with these, the 8 types of Facebook pokes:
The "Seriously though, are you okay" poke?
When you post a song lyric about self-loathing or a status with despairing overtones and a lot of pronouns, you should get a ton of people asking if you're okay, possibly going so far as to call you "hunny". But if they just poke you? That means they don't care enough to ask and that means that they must be unfriended. The people who don't say anything might just not be logged in to Facebook at the moment, but you should either unfriend them anyways of figure out a schedule for how often they'll check your status to see if you're all right.
The "Remember when we were friends when we were kids?" poke
This happens during waves of nostalgia. If you want to avoid this type of poking, DO NOT YouTube commercials from the 90s for Gushers.
The "I loved that status" poke
Be honest with yourself, was your last status update funny? Then enjoy that poke, you jokester.
The "I hated that status" poke
Be honest with yourself, was your last status update racist? Then feel sad about that poke, you racist.
The "I know you've been looking at my page more than you should based on the number of times we've interacted in real life" poke
The only feeling worse than being deep down the Facebook rabbit hole and realizing that you're on your friend's girlfriend's cousin's prom date's roommate's college RA's page is realizing that you've accidentally liked that arbitrary person's profile picture. Expect a poke back because while obviously they don't want to talk to you but have to let you know to back off. At that point you must either delete the Facebook app or throw away your iPhone completely.
The "I've noticed your birthday but will not take the time to write out 'happy birthday' on your wall" poke
Well, I guess you really know where you stand when you get poked on your birthday. And it's too bad because that's at least one less "happy birthday" wall post, and the number of those you received is the number of days in the upcoming year that you're legally allowed to be happy.
The "'Don't be alarmed BUT'" poke
This is what happens when police trace the mysterious pokes you keep getting and discover that they're coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
The "My mom doesn't get Facebook" poke
My mom FB pokes me so often because she not only doesn't get Facebook, she doesn't get the internet in general. I honest to God think she just opens Internet Explorer and starts wantonly clicking everything. That does have it's benefits, though — she recently won an iPad by hitting a target and her penis is 20 percent larger.
How have you been Facebook poked? If enough time has passed and you feel ready to talk about it, let us know in the comments below.
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