What Video Game Characters Would Do If They Won The Lottery

Mikey McCollor

The Mega Millions jackpot is up to 640 million this week and people are going out of their minds about it. I've even heard of people selling their entire video game collection to buy tickets! But as I walked into GameStop— I mean, as this person who sold all their games walked into GameStop, they thought about the characters who were about to leave my life forever. What would they do if they won the lottery, I wondered. Er...they wondered.

Samus Aran

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Samus would spend her entire fortune upgrading her suit, including Varia and gravity upgrades, thermal, heat, and X-ray visors, power bombs, wave beam, double jump boots, screw attack, and a missile capacity of over 250. She would then go to an alien planet and trip in the very first elevator and they would all break. If Samus was smart, she'd have purchased two of everything because this happens to her every goddamn time.

The Flood

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As a seemingly infinite parasitic life form, the Flood would have to split the winnings evenly amongst themselves. With the lottery prize this big, the entire Flood can afford to treat themselves to a meal at the Olive Garden! I mean, as long as they all get water to drink.

Mario

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Mario works in such a way that when ever he gets 100 of anything, he gets an extra life. So if he won the lottery, he would get 6,400,000 extra lives. This would lead him to thinking he was in that Twilight Zone where he couldn't die and got so thoroughly sick of life that he would attempt suicide after suicide. But eventually, Mario would get through those lives. And then, rest.

Tim from Braid

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With his time travel abilities, Tim from Braid has actually won every single lottery of all time. We don't have to ask what he'd do with his lottery winnings— the world we see before us is the answer. So I guess it's a good thing he's so wrapped up in trying to figure out where or WHAT the hell his girlfriend is and hasn't had time to be corrupted by his absolute power. Even with all the money in the world, even he can't understand the ending of Braid.